Been a long damn time since I wrote here

So, its been a while I guess.....

I learned something today.   I'm now full time in female role, changed my name etc etc but still a little nervous sometimes, I worry about how I am perceived etc.

So after work tonight, I got on the bus to go home - as ever, I wanted to sit alone - in fact I deliberately avoided a loud group of girls who went upstairs (where I normally go) and sat at the back on the ground floor.  A few stops later someone shuffled onto the bus - a slightly decrepit older man who was a little bit strange looking and was yammering to himself a little.    As with anyone like that threat detectors go up and the response is "please dont sit next to me!"

Despite there being other seats, nearer to the front of the bus he came and sat next to me.   The initial reaction was "how do I deal with this, I dont like it and I am stuck here" but the realisation came to me - this was not some weird old dude he is a person who, like me, is a little unusual and has threat detection of his own and he felt safest sat next to me!

Whilst I didn't actually speak to him or interact with him in any way it was a real life affirming moment that another human being, on first impressions only, felt more comfortable in my presence than anyone else on that bus.

Rather than being horrified that the "weird person" has sat next to you, be pleased that they have identified you as the person who is safest to sit with from that fraction of a second that they have to judge you.

Back to work

Well, I'm back to work which I am actually glad about. Its good to get a bit of routine back and feel like that I am useful and not screwing my colleagues by being away. Not that I've been useless at all really - I really believe that I've helped substantially with Tree's house move.

The really big news though is that I finally have a date to go to Charing Cross - its in early March and I am so pleased about it. Yes, its a fair way away but it should give me a chance to get my laser well under way and more comfortable before I go...

Only a brief blog tonight, feeling like I'm going to turn in very soon. Forgot to weigh in this week.

Getting there....ut

I guess I didn't really feel up to writing last week, but weight was 81.3kg - whoo! Gone back up to 82.3 this week though.

I'm making slow progress, and still feeling pretty flat but should be OK to go back to work tomorrow, although I am dreading it...

I didn't have the time to write this last night as I got home late from assisting my brother and his friend Emma shifting stuff from their garage into a workshop. Its been interesting - I've known for a while that he also believes himself to be TS, but found out his female name from Emma. I can't bring myself to use female pronouns, as I've only ever encountered him in male form and do have difficulty seeing anything feminine in his approach...

As for me, I'm feeling damned uncomfortable with my body at the moment and finding the prominence of male features hard to cope with. I really cant wait to get my appointment for CX, hopefully it will help me to sort things out a bit better....

Tough week.

First things first, I've lost another KG. So 82.3kg - doing well and getting there =)

Its been a really really tough week. First thing to mention is that I've not had to take any time off work, but I've really not been myself - constantly tired, lethargic and not really firing on all cylinders. I've been on the antidepressants for a smidge over a week and a half and I'm getting all sorts of side effects, lethargy & tiredness, insomnia, headaches, dry throat to mention a couple but they do seem to be getting a little better.

I'm still feeling pretty damned low, more convinced than ever that I am on the right track though and I'll get through this shitty patch at some point.

On Monday, I sent a very detailed letter to my parents about who I am, how I intend to live my life, and detailing the diagnosis that I've recieved and the treatment path. I stand by this as being a good idea...

On Tuesday, whilst I was at work, some *********** decided to hit & run my car - causing sufficient damage that the insurance would have written it off, significant panel damage, smashed rear light and totally knackered bumper.

Wednesday evening I had to go to the parents after work (it was meant to Thursday, but my brother decided to escort me in my damaged car) nothing really exciting to comment about.

Thursday really was the day of reckoning, the parents returned home from their trip about about 6.30 in the evening and REALLY started laying into me about the letter - they already knew I was trans, but I had mislead them about the extent to try and minimise conflict at the time - basically telling me how stupid I am, how I will ruin my lif

e, never get a decent job, how could I ever expect a relationship as a trans person, just total and utter ignorance bundled up in a ball of vitriol really. Its what I was expecting, but not what I was hoping for. I am taking some time to re-asses the relationship I have with my parents and how I want to play things going forwards.

Friday was exhausting, I just wanted to GO and get back to Brighton but ended up spending all day with my brother running round scrapyards and getting the car repaired. In the end we managed it for about £50 and its far from perfect but it will do. The plan is to sell it in a month or two's time anyway.

Nothing really to comment about the weekend so far. I did OK at work yesterday, cycled in for the first time and I'm looking forwards to the Grand Prix this afternoon.

One fed up Danni, out. x

Fortnight....

Sorry I didn't post last week, but weight was 83.3kg and thats unchanged.

Its been a really tough week emotionally, just total black moods and just simply not being able to leave my room and just unable to do anything other than post on forums.

I managed to drag myself to work on Tuesday but couldn't last more than 20 minutes. I got to the doc on Wednesday and been put on Anti-depressants. Not sure if thats the best thing to do but time will tell.

not sure what else to say really.

Another week done

Well,

Its been pretty much a non-week this week, very little of note or interest has happened really. I'm still feeling pretty buoyant though after last week and having hopped on the scales I'm feeling even better. 91.5kg (12st 11) meaning I've finally hit that magical 4 stone figure - and with a 6lb loss this week! Still aiming for 1 more stone but we'll have to see how that one goes really.

Monday-Weds and Saturday were just normal, boring working days and I didn't really do a great deal on Thursday or Friday but I did go with Martin (the chap who is sleeping in the front room at the moment) to see "Rise of the Planet of the apes" on Friday night, and that was rather good - well worth a watch if you are thinking about it!

Another thing thats well worth watching is "Firefly" a TV series by Joss Weedon. I've had the box set for about 5 years now and never got round to watching it. Its basicly a space western but its absolutely ace

So, I think its time to start really working on my career again after a long period of being lax - I've got a meeting with Kerry, my mentor on Monday morning. Its been a while since we last saw each other (apart from a brief "hello" at Pride) so its going to be very good to catch up. There's a lot we need to chat about outside of the direct remit of careers too - I really need to take some advice from her about how to handle the trans stuff with interviews/if I get the job.

Remaining targets for the week are to finish the washing and make shepherds pie tonight.

Danni out
x

Late again

Gosh, what a week - so much to say, but I really have no idea how to say it.

After seeing the Psych on Monday (see previous post) I've been pretty much walking on air all week and nothing has really sunk in - I actually really feel like for once I am making significant progress rather than just blowing about in the breeze, heading in all directions. Following my appointment I have felt hugely empowered with a new found confidence and actually deeply happy - I really can't remember the last time that I felt this good.

Stemming from my state of mind on Monday evening, I put a request in at work - that I should be allowed to attend in female guise on Wednesday and it caused a bit of a hoo-ha and a descision was not forthcoming throughout the whole of the day - my manager called me in for a chat (45 mins after she should have gone home) and apologised for the lack of answer but suggested that I should take the action I felt most appropriate in the morning, but be prepared to use the male facilities when dressed if need be. It made for a very stressful day indeed.

Anyway, Wednesday morning came and I made my descision although I hadn't heard anything from the office, when I arrived I was immediately pulled into one of the side rooms and told that a descision had been made - I could attend in female guise, and use female facilities. I was over the moon and I had definately made the right choice in my black "office" skirt, red top and of course the now obligatory scarf (maroon/black) throughout the day I got nothing but positive reactions and some amazing offers of assistance from those who I would never expect to do so. Really fantastic day.

Thursday and Friday were slightly nothing-ish days really in that I only mooched around the house and did little things - there is however one significant event in that for the first time ever I went out with only foundation on, I normally wouldn't even get within six foot of the front door without at least foundation, blusher and lippy - so I guess thats a small step forwards too.

Saturday was, of course, the day of the Pride parade and all the work that we have put into the companys involvment and the float came to fruition. I'm yet to see any photos of me from the event but the local paper (the Argus) has this picture of the Amex float on their website front page

I think it gives a good indication of just how fab our float was. The parade was, as ever, great fun and the park a bit of a let down (not allowed to take drinks in) and in order to have fun you'd need to spend a fortune. Having spent a short while in the park I ran home (on the bus) to get changed for the evening do at work and after a great deal of eating drinking and smoking (no more from now on) it was time to move on - whilst many folks headed on to St. James street I felt like I'd hit my limit, I'd not eaten a great deal and drunk too much so time to head home before it got messy.

I came home to a message from Tree saying that a letter from Hove Polyclinic had arrived and did I want to know the contents? She read it over the phone and it was my referral letter - its been done and sent! I'm going to ring CX on Monday next week just to check its been recieved and processed. The letter contained a large amount of personal details, and a few errors, which I feel might need correcting but I do want to share the last paragraph, which left me feeling pretty damned good

"He presented at the assesment today in appropriate and sucessful female attire with long hair and make up, clearly female trousers and top. He has deliberately lost 4 stone in weight over the past year which has had pleasing effects on his body shape. He seems to be making a well thought through descision to persue the gender reassignment process at this time"

Aside from the use of male pronouns - which I guess is down to convention, I'm really pleased with that, especially the comments on pleasing body shape and that I am making a well thought through descision.

Sunday was the day of the roast dinner and Tree came to see my new abode for the first time, she and Veryan, the landlady, hit it off almost immediatly and Sammydog seemed to fall in love with her too. A great meal was cooked and eaten and a fantastic evening of chat and fun was had. Having walked Tree to the bus it was time to wave goodbye to an amazing week.

So, what has the week that was taught me? Following on from my day at work I am more convinced than ever that I am following the right track and I'm now trying to work through when its going to be feasible for me to go full time at work - I'm still going to attend in male guise until that point, I think that regular chopping and changing isn't going to do me any favours.

I keep being drawn to 01 Jan 2012 but I really need to get something done about the face fuzz before I feel I can do it - I'm going to spend 20mins a night playing with the home IPL machine to see if I can make any difference. I need to give 2 months notice at work really and if I can make some progress into the tache/beard area then it may still be viable but really I need to find the money to pay for a whole course of treatment (£1200 for 8 sessions) and the time for it to work as its a long process.

Peace and Love.

Danni x

Further steps

Well, I wasn't able to post on Sunday, time just wouldn't allow....

Last week was a bit odd really. I had a liason with a chap on Monday night and it left me spinning out a little bit and I ended up not going into work for the rest of the week. Didn't really do much other than think and wonder about where I was going and what I wanted from things and relationships etc. It really drove home to me that I dont want, and can't really handle casual flings. Lesson learned anyway.

Had to deal with the folks over the weekend as it was Dads birthday, which was stressful, not to mention the uncle, aunt ADHD 9yr old and the sisters birthday but I got through it relatively unscathed.

The BIG news though, is that I had my psychiatrists appointment today and I was BRICKING IT. I opted to go in a casual guise, flats, scoopneck black top, jeans and a maroon & black scarf (which I have only recent bought but LOVE) and I wound up getting there 25 minutes early.

The psych was absolutely brilliant, I felt really comfortable in his presence and it seemed that all the questions were relevant, appropriate and easily discussed (apart from the one about erectile function....)

Anyway, half an hour down he remarked that I seemed to be incredibly well sorted, knew what I wanted, needed and what I needed to do get there and referred me to Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic (CX GIC) its a pain though, as the waiting list is long - potentially up to six months. Its another small step, but a massive leap forwards another big, scary one, but I really cant wait to get that letter confirming it in my hand.

This is one very happy Danni posting. Peace out x

Well, here we go

Its been a while since I posted, its been hectic getting ready for the move. Sorry

I'm now moved in, and the place is amazing - its fab to have the freedom to get out and about and to do what I want. Its quite a mixed emotion though as I've got this freedom but I dont really feel that I can act on it because of the parents and sister etc. I need to speak to the Psych about it when I see them.

anyway, only a short entry tonight. I may post more later.

Slowly does it

Well, after the last few weeks this one has been a bit of a non-event really.

I've had little to no motivation to get sorted to move so the target to sort out the boxes didn't happen, BUT I did manage to sort out my paperwork "piling" system which has had more and more stuff bunged into it since 2008 and no sorting out. Took me all days pretty much, but it needed doing.

In terms of car related stuff, the Rover is MOT'd and will now become the "hack" until I move when I will get it sold. I didn't get the towbar fitted to the Morris - it really does need the boot floor welding up - hopefully that can be sorted out this coming week.

No specific targets this week but I need to continue getting everything packed to go. The good thing is that this time next week I will have KEYS!!! =)

Danni out for now.

Vive la change!

Well, last weeks post wasn't exactly positive was it? I have had a FANTASTIC week and I'm feeling really positive! I've achieved 3 of last weeks 4 target
1. Get to the surgery and get things out there.

I went to see the Doc on Tuesday, he was pretty good actually and referred me for psych, which is the standard route, rather than getting involved himself - I'm quite pleased about that really as it means that I'm going to be looked after by the specialists so hopefully things should run smoothly. Its a massive weight off to know that I'm actually in the system at last and this things are going to start happening soon. Its 4 weeks for the referral to take place which seems really quick actually....

2. Fix Morris Speedo / Horn - if cannot be fixed then ascertain reason for problem so parts can be obtained

This is the one I've not achieved. I know why the speedo isn't working and that should be fixable tomorrow. The horn might be more complex to fix properly but I can always rig a bodge if I have to.

3. Continue looking for somewhere to live, check easyroommate daily and contact all prospectives.
4. Talk to parents about moving out. I've told them that I'm looking but they dont seem to have twigged.

This is the biggy! I went to look at a room in Coldean on Tuesday night and by Wednesday evening I'd agreed to take it, and the deposit paid on Friday - how about that then eh? I pick the keys up on the 16th and will move in properly on the last weekend of July. I've spoken to the parents about it and they aren't happy but have acknowledged that I need to get out. Its not the ideal move, but its the best I'm going to be able to achieve for the next few months and it gives me the space to be me! That's the most important thing of all.

Anyway, the doc and housing on their own would have been enough to make this a very good week but its actually been an AMAZING week. I'm shattered, sunburned and skint but happy as Larry.

This weekend was the Morris Minor national rally at Knebworth house. I had the ideal excuse to visit Becca, an old friend from Uni who lives in Ware (about half an hour from the venue). As it happens she was performing in an am-dram production of "noises off" a farce about a theatre production which was all going a little bit wrong. It was amazingly funny and a really good night out, but more importantly it was another big stepping stone for me. Its the first time I have been out girly in a public place (in this case a small village) without my normal friend-based support network and it just felt natural, no nerves, no rushes of adrenaline, just "right"! Brilliant! There was another learning curve in it as its the first time I've got myself sorted out in the car and not had decent light but I was very pleased with the outcome, when I finally saw myself in a proper mirror (about 6 hours later) I looked amazingly pretty - I was most pleased!

The one small incident of the day was that when I was getting changed in South Mimms services, just swapping trousers for skirt & tights, I had a knock on the window and there was a police officer standing at the side of the car. Like a good girl I wound down the window and the officer asked if I was OK and just thinking he'd spotted someone just sat in the car told him I was fine - thinking that would be it and he would go, but no, he asked to look in my "tobacco tin" for cannabis so I opened the tin in question for him, and as per the packaging it was full of altoid mints, THEN he started going on about classic cars and how he had one - all the while I'm sat there in knickers with nothing else on my bottom half!!

The MMOC national was fun, as per normal, and I spent a fortune but I have nearly everything I want and need for the car now and a few useful odds and sods too! But I've had very little sleep, drunk a bit too much and got sunburned but had a good weekend, saw some old friends, made some new ones, had a giggle and got absolutly filthy. I made a conscious decision not to take photos this year, so I didn't! It was such a relief to get in the bath this evening!

Anyway, targets for this week.

Car related (tomorrows work hopefully, maybe spilling into Thursday)

1. Clean and tidy Rover, speak to garage about bringing it over on Thursday
2. Fix speedo on Morris
3. Fix Horn on Morris
4. Attach towbar to Morris
5. Buy paint for new panels and clean & spray if conditions are right.

Non car related.

Sort out contents of underbed boxes
Sort out contents of overbed cupboards including the "assorted paperwork" box
IF those are done then sort out the drawer unit.

All of these are packed, largely with junk that needs sorting through - most of which will likely go in the skip!

Anyway, one happy Danni is signing off now and going to bed very shortly....

Another week goes by.

I really didn't feel upto posting last night, so I'm doing it today. Just to get the obligatory bit out of the way, weight 83.8kg so a small loss. I've decided to take a "diet break" in July and not really worry too much about what I eat, what exercise I do etc etc so the next weigh in will be on July 31st - It'll be interesting to see what the difference is. I'm doing it partially because I want to see how well I can cope without hopping on the scales regulary and also because I feel that July is going to be a paticuarly stressful month anyway and its one less layer of stress.

Last week I set myself 3 targets:

Speak to GP properly
Prepare Rover for MOT
Look seriously at bedsits and do appropriate sums.

Sadly, I've had problems at the GP's - my new patient appointment was cancelled and they didn't let me know - GRRR! So thats a fail BUT I do have an appointment with the doc tomorrow instead so its not an epic fail.

Rover - Its as sorted as its going to be, apart from one wheel which needs swapping - but thats only a 5 minute job. The floor is welded up, the suspension pumped up and the battery fully charged. Now I've just got to see what it fails on!

I've not done the sums for somewhere to live, but I've done some estimations and come up with a maximum figure of £450 a month including bills and thats just not realistic for a bedsit, however small and crappy so I've been looking at easyroommate daily to see whats available on a houseshare/lodger basis. I was badly let down by the couple at work who were going to rent a room - they "forgot" about me apparently - grrrr. I've sent off a couple of messages to people but got pretty much nowhere so far - I'll keep trying. I have to!

Over the last week I have been all over the place emotionally and had a bit of a breakdown on Friday, all because I couldn't find safety specs, I spent the best part of 2 hours crying in the kitchen and posting misery on various messageboards. I was feeling frustrated, useless and dejected. This is all stuff that I need to try and get across to the GP tomorrow. I think that I need to bring up

1. Gender Issues & Self Med
2. Depression, caused by above and by living situation and hating job
3. Struggling to function sometimes because of the above
4. Sleep problems

If the doc wants to sign me off work for a week/fortnight I'm going to refuse it just doesn't make sense to me - work is the smallest of the small problems. I can see it might make a bit more sense if he decides to sign me off on a bit more of a long term basis i.e more than a month then it might make a bit more sense.

Anyway, hopefully getting things off my chest to the doctor will herald a new era and set the happiness ball rolling, but somehow I doubt it.

Tasks for this week

1. Get to the surgery and get things out there.
2. Fix Morris Speedo / Horn - if cannot be fixed then ascertain reason for problem so parts can be obtained
3. Continue looking for somewhere to live, check easyroommate daily and contact all prospectives.
4. Talk to parents about moving out. I've told them that I'm looking but they dont seem to have twigged.

Anyway, lets see how the week goes. Danni out.

Does anyone read this?

Does anyone ever read this? I never really get any ticks or comments....

Meh

Well, reading back over the last few weeks or so it seems that I've been down for longer than I though! This *should* have been a good week, being my birthday...

The birthday has really given me a slap around the chops, Its not really unreasonable to expect to have your own place at 27 is it? Although my expectations about what I could achieve by this point have been watered down but I wanted to actually be getting somewhere with life and transition and I was hoping that I might actually have some semblance of life - I'm sick to death of living with the parents and having to justify everything I do to them. I REALLY need out of here but equally I don't really want to make a sudden move - I really do want a nice smooth move with some assistance from the folks if need be.

I've been really really down this last week, trans stuff has really hit me hard - why cant I just get it sorted out? Cant someone just flick a switch in my mind and make it all go away? It doesn't sound like a big thing to live like I feel I should does it? So why in hell does it make everything so damned complex? To top it off, the folks are constantly on my back at the moment about money and even had a go at me about it on my Birthday! Thats just sent me on another downwards Spiral and they are constantly asking whats up! Grrrr! They have no clue! It even turns out they've been asking my siblings what they can do to cheer me up! Well, I've got my new patient appointment at the doctors on Tuesday and will hopefully be able to get a proper appointment on Weds/Thurs and start to get things sorted out a bit.

Despite my aim to get the 4 stone in a year target, I've been really really bad this week and I've been comfort eating and boozing and I've put on 4.5lbs (2kg) this week! So in order to achieve that goal its got to be a 9lb loss this week. Thats not going to happen.

From now on each week, when I write this blog I'm going to set a few goals for the coming week, hopefully it'll help me make a little bit of progress.

• Speak to GP properly
• Prepare Rover for MOT
• Look seriously at bedsits and do appropriate sums.
  

Quack

Well, I would say its been a largely uneventful week, but there have been two significant things.

1. I had another Job interview on Thursday, for a position in the next payband. Its all to do with workforce forcasting and its terribly geeky - which suits me down the the ground. I dont think I'll get it but fingers crossed.

2. This is the biggy - I'm FINALLY registered with a GP!!! Woo! I've got my new patient appointment on the 22nd and can then make a proper appointment and start to get some of my issues worked out, the poor doc wont know what hit them!

Weight down over last week. 82.2kg rather than last weeks 82.7kg (cant be bothered to convert to old money) and I really dont think I'm going to hit the 4 stone in a year target, I've got to lost 4lbs over the next two weeks and that feels like a bit of a mountain to climb, but I'm going to try my best and see what happens.

I'm still in a pretty negative mood generally and feeling weighed down by the trans issues, money and life.

Piling it on

Well, I put on 1.5lbs last week. Grr

Fairly uneventful, other than what I've detailed in Wednesdays post.

Spent the week in training, which was boring and totally kippered my body clock - doing Tues-Fri 9-5 (bank hol on mon) Rather than my normal 10.45-8. I went to Coastway hospital radio on Sunday and had a good look round and took part in a show and they want to sign me up!

On the way back to Southampton the car broke down, the wiper motor fused and took the whole of that side of the circuit out - knocking out the indicators too! Ended up being escorted home by an AA man, no wipers in the pissing rain. It was not fun.

As for my mood, I've been up and down all week and currently feeling a bit "meh" about it all. I really need to get to a GP and get registered so that I can let it all out and get the ball rolling - fingers crossed on that front.

Anyways, Danni Out

Grins

Well, I had a fantastic time last night, really enjoyed some great company from a certain lady, music, good conversation and a Morris Minor tour of Brighton.

I've been absolutely knackered today, but have been grinning from ear to ear - I've not been able to do that in ages!

Thought that a positive post was in order since I'm always very down! :o)

Another week

Firstly, another 1.5kg lost, putting me down to 82kg - another 7kg to go for ultimate target and just 4lbs to go till the 4 stone mark (4 weeks to do it to have completed it in a year!)

guess that its just a case of same shit different week really. I felt pretty dreadful about everything early on in the week and self certified off work for those 3 days (already had Saturday booked off, to assist with a car boot sale that never happened) and just spent the time chilling out, being me and doing a little soul searching. Anyway, the upshot is that I've worked out how I can get a GP and how I can get things kicked off and get the help I sorely need - not just the gender stuff but the depression etc as well - heck, its all bundled up together.

I'm looking forwards to getting back to work tomorrow and dreading it in equal measure. Work gives me something to focus on and gives me a reason to get up in the morning but I know I'm going to get awkward questions from my colleagues, I should be pleased really as its them wanting to help. I feel that (the majority of) my colleagues really do care about me and what's going on with me and if there was something they could do, they would. I guess that's an enviable position but its tricky as well - I guess that I bring it on myself a little because I am open and talk freely about the gender stuff when asked so people do ask but I'd far rather that than there being a dirty little whisper going around the office or feeling restricted in what I do to traditional male role things (I love sorting my nails out at my desk etc.)

This is going to be a weird week, but I have high hopes for it. 3 short days of training (9-5) and 1 normal day (10.45-8) but changing all of my days off etc. So when I return on Friday evening, I will hopefully have achieved 1) a good night out tomorrow 2) an interesting an educational week at work 3) and perhaps most important, be in the course of getting a GP registration - but that depends on bank paperwork arriving! I will be returning though to a car (rover) needing work with no MOT so thats going to be a bit of a downer.

On Sunday, I am going for an interview with Brighton Hospital Radio, I figure its a good way for me to get out a bit more and to mix in different circles and I've always had a bit of a fascination for radio, so it should pique my interest but we shall see.

Danni Out x

Lax again

Firstly, I blame the "thoughts" thread on MSE for me not being so regular here, its so damned distracting!

First things first, weight down to 82.3kg! I'm seriously chuffed with that and getting a real sensation of getting there!

What has really become apparent to me is how much we can change in a year, I unearthed a picture from 29th May 2010, at the tvchix picnic



now, compare that to a pic from last night.....



I don't even look like the same person anymore! The weight loss is immediately obvious (although the 2010 pic is not the most flattering, it proves the point) and the whole shape of my face has changed, I've lost the jowels (I didnt realise I had) for one thing and my jawline has become smaller.

From the pics its clear that I'm holing myself with more confidence now and my outfit is a better ensemble than 2010 but I'm still learning but doing a far better job than I did before.

Anyway, just for the record the reason for dressing up was to go to Magic Theatre, I had a good time, met some very cool people and then back to Trees....

Consistency

I dont really feel that I have a heck of a lot to write today. I forgot to write last week but weight was 83.1kg.

My target this week was to maintain that weight as it was Easter Sunday and I went out for a curry on Friday so I was chuffed to bits to see 82.9kg on the scales this morning!!

I played my first ever round of golf on Friday too and rather enjoyed it, long walk and lots of blisters at the end but hit a pretty decent first round of 115. Yes, I know its a rubbish score really - but for first attempt I feel pretty good about it. To put it in context the chap I was playing with (who's been doing it for about 2 years) hit a round of 110 - so not too bad really!

I'm out and about for the next 2 weeks so measurements might be a bit tricky but again the target is maintainance rather than actual loss but fingers crossed really.

Nothing ever changes

Well, I cant remember why I was fed up last week but I still am.

I've lost weight this week, down to 83.8kg still a little bit to do to get back to my best result so far (83.5kg) but I should be able to do that this week, then I just have to keep going till the belly is gone.

I found yesterday really hard, having spent most of Friday "at work" i.e chilling out at Tree's place just being me. If I'd have said that's what I was doing to the folks I would have got a lecture about how stupid I'm being so had to lie. So having spend time as Danni, it was a massive wrench to come back into the male work in the office on Saturday.

What really hit me like a ton of bricks is the facial hair. £1,190 for a course of 8 treatments of laser, which should do the job, but that is an absolutely unheard of sum of money for me and I'm really struggling. The two big obstacles to me are living with the parents and the face fuzz (Its just plain impractical to shave thrice daily - which I would need to do - and wouldn't be able to do it in the office) Steps are potentially afoot which will allow me to escape the folks, but not going to hold mry breath as if anyone's going to fuck things up its me.

To top yesterday off, I was driving home just starting to well up, and the car broke down. Fortunately the RAC fixed it at the roadside - only a broken clutch cable, but enough to stop me in my tracks next to a busy dual carriageway.

Getting home I logged on to one of the forums I frequent to find that I'd been treated to a whole batch of transphobic bullying, which really did send me to tears. Fortunately all that crap has now been removed and the instigator appears to be banned.

I'm unhappy, I'm Skint and feel like I'm going nowhere again. Just bloody wonderful.

blef

400g loss.

tough week. cant be arsed to write about it now

gah

Nothing to really add since yesterday. +1.1kg on the weight front, but 2 nights of booze & takeaway was always going to do that.

Still on a downer. Just wish I was a normal girl and didn't have all this bloody issues.

Night.

Feeling Shite

I really shouldn't do, but I feel like utter crap.

I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.

It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.

Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.

I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.

Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.

Anything to declare?

Well, my gut reaction to opening blogspot today was "what the hell do I write? Nothings happened at all!"

In reality, there's been a few things. Just to get the ugly out of the way I've put weight on this week - just 0.1kg but its an annoyance - easy enough to attribute, 1 McDonalds, 1 KFC and a kebab this week. Lets take it a bit easier the next week and hopefully I'll get a loss.

The good thing this week was that I received an email on Tuesday morning from Kerry, my career mentor at work, inviting me to a job interview on Thursday (next pay band up, and seems like a potentially interesting job) anyway, I left the interview feeling really upbeat - which is unusual for me as I'm normally screaming blue murder at myself about how I could have done better. I got a text later in the day telling me that I'd done really well - so I'm now really hopeful that I'll get into the second round of interviews but I'm not going to hold my breath!

The Morris has been a bit tricky over the last few days and not running especially well at idle that seems to be sorted now and I'm planning on driving it the 70 miles to work tomorrow. The radio still only works out of one speaker though - which is an annoyance but should be straightforward to fix when I have the time.

In terms of girly progress - theres not been a lot over the last week although I am sure that I'm getting some growth in the boob area, but I've not taken measurements so cant prove anything.

Danni Out x

Winning......?

I'm feeling pretty upbeat tonight - which has been very unusual recently!

Reason 1 - 1kg weight loss, which after the peicemeal losses of late (bar 13/02 - which I'm sure was a freak result) has been a really positive thing and has actually made me feel really good!

Reason 2 - The morris has no known faults that stop me driving it! I've driven less than 100 miles in it since I bought it in November due to all the faults that it has picked up. I had the engine out for the second time over the weekend - just to replace the clutch - but it only took an afternoon and the car seems to be running and driving OK now. Of course, there's still jobs to do but they don't stop me from actually using the car! The Morris WILL be going to Brighton before the end of the month.

As for my personal development, there's probably not a lot to report since Tuesdays blog entry. I'm still feeling pretty stifled at home and have a strong urge to escape. The parents have been nagging me because I'm down for ages (Thrice since last saturday!!) and they are convinced that its money issues - what they don't seem to realise is that they are the problem. They wont let me be me and its driving me nuts.

That said, I've put an application in for a new job at work, my career mentor is the recruiting manager but she has pretty much made me feel that there's no certainty in me getting the job - so I probably wont! That said, I think it would be a great role for me and the extra money would be massively life changing.

I've been pretty good at staying off chix chatrooms & forums since last weekend. I've dipped in to check on my goodbye thread but not posted anything. I reckon that thread will get no more posts so I'll just stay off for now - its getting less and less tempting to sign in there and I'm certain its doing me good not being on there 24/7

Danni Out. x

Who is Clare?

A little mini update, posted from my phone.

Thanks to a mistake with the rota at work, I wound up with an unexpected day off today. A great excuse to be me. Having got myself sorted out I decided that today was the day I would go out with confidence (only third time out in the daylight) and duly I headed out with my head high. Throughout the day I was not aware of anyone who 'read' me. Whether that's down to the new approach, a decent attempt at the slap or just the stars aligning. Makes me feel really positive for the future.

The reason for heading out? To attend a trans group called the Clare project. It was a really useful little group and good to talk about my issues with new and understanding people. I even bumped into an old acquaintance - Alexandra - who I've not seen since the summer.

As an aside, I'm having a little experiment with herbals, but more on that next time, and I have taken a break from the trans sites for an unyet undecided period

Outlook slightly less cloudy, but a hint of pessimism....

And another thing

Just to add to the previous, read that first.

I'm utterly fed up with the trans sites that I'm part of, they are doing nothing for me at the moment theres nothing of interest and very few people of interest (those who are there know who you are - not that I will have said explicitly) I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've stagnated - i've little to learn from those sites and even less to contribute. I want to take a break from them but they keep sucking me in hoping that there will be that little nugget of gold - something truly witty, inspiring or educational but its the same old dross again and again and again. Sod it.

I've given up smoking - probably about 3 weeks ago now but still get the odd hankering which is worrying but I've not relented which is a bloody miracle considering how down I've been.

Actually, the whole internet is boring me now. I feel semi-isolated from the world there is nothing out there online or in real life that really grabs me - I simply have lost the ability to become passionate or care about anything. me = flat.

I really need that job, not just for the money but for the change of scene - something to kick me up the arse and actually get me living again.

Danni = depressed

Well, I've neglected this place

Well, I've not posted in over a month. I guess thats a symptom of my general malaise really.

Weight loss has happened. but for the last 2 weeks I've actually put weight on which has sucked - I did get a small loss this week just 100g which pretty much sucks.

I've been feeling flat as a pancake really (topical - pancake day is Tuesday) I'm full on skint, questionable if I even have enough money to pay the petrol etc to get to work and I've felt ill for weeks - cough, over tired etc.

The cars havn't helped - the rover had a catastrophic breakdown a week and a bit ago and I ended up coming home on a truck. Its fixed now but its severly dented my confidence in it. The Morris is running and the engine is really good BUT the fackin clutch is slipping like nobodys business. I was hoping to fix it this weekend but the parts never arrived.

There is some positivity at work, it seems commission might be payable again soon but its really hard to actually think this will happen and get motivated. Work Sucks, Life Sucks and I'm still living with the parents.

I need to get out of the parents place urgently but I just cant do it. Money is too tight - I cant save as Im running a defecit and what savings I did have are gone. I potentially have a promotion on the horizon. Logically I have good reason to apply for it and be positive. Emotionally I just feel like Im going to screw it up. IF I get it, the extra money should enable me to get out of the folks place, and get on with my transition (I might even have enough to get laser!) I need this new job, not just from that perspective but to actually give me something to get up in the morning for. Before now, I've never actually woken up and thought "oh god, got to go to work" but Im doing it every morning now. I'm sure that if I had a doc, and I went, I'd get signed off - but I cant afford to take time off, I need to protect my sickness record at work and get everything done for this potential promotion

On the positive side, I'm now on the comittee of PRIDE-UK works national LGBT employee network and I've arranged a drink for bi&trans members at the end of the month. I've booked a hotel that day so hopefully I'll be able to take some proper me time even if its only a late evening and morning before work.

I'm sure theres more to write, but I just cant think of it right now. Oh well

Grrr

Well, I didnt get the job. By the sounds of it I wasn't far off though (not sure whether thats a good thing or not mind you) lost another 0.3kg this week so im keeping on with the weight loss.

I'm finding the trans stuff hugely frustrating at the moment, I just want to get on and be me but its all proving a bit to hard to do anything at the moment. Anyway, hopefully I'll get myself registered with a GP this week

All quiet on the western front

lets get the obligatory done. 1kg (2.2lbs) lost so that nicely counteracts last week.

I dont really feel that I have a great deal to write this week, there certainly doesn't feel to have been any great developments or personal growth. I've applied for another job - I flippin HATE my current one and need out, sooner rather than later.

I cant remember if I've posted about the troubles with the Morris, but the new engine is now installed and nearly all the bolts are done up. It runs, albeit badly and the mission is to try and fix it on Thursday.

Danni Out. x

oops

oops! I forgot to make an entry last night!

Well, put weight on. Boo Hiss! 0.6kg. Bleh!

Anyway, I'm posting this from work so have to be a bit sensible with what I write.

The big news for the week is that I have been asked to write something for the Pride Feb newsletter (Pride in this instance being the work LGBT group) and I'm completely stuck for what to write. I'm fairly sure that I am the only active T-person within the group, but heck its hard to tell sometimes! So should I write a call to arms? a documentary piece, something observational or something helpful? I'm really stuck.

The other thing that I've been contemplating in a weird abstract way recently is my name. Of course, here and most places online, I am Danni but in the real world most of the time I am Dan. I've always found it very difficult when people called me Danny - why? Is it some kind of reference to the gender of that name? Is it too close to the female form of Danni? Maybe its just an ugly looking word? I think its too "harsh" in form very angular and masculine whereas the i of Danni helps smooth it over and makes the word visually more attractive. Either way, I've started calling myself Danni at work now to colleages and customers - of course most percieve it with the y but internally I'm clinging on to dear life to the I. Some people are spelling it with an I which is FANTASTIC but I dont feel that I can force that onto everyone at this point, in fact I'm still struggling to get people to address me as anything other than Dan, or Daniel. Meh.

Anyway, time to sign off and think about what to write.....

Meh.

Im feeling really fed up with it all right now.

I dont really know how to put it into words, but Im so frustrated with everything right now. Because of the home situation I probabally won't be able to go FT until summer 2012 (when the sis graduates Uni) and unless I can get the money up to go to Thailand (fat chance) I'm going to be 30 before I can have the surgery.

Im fed up with looking down and seeing something that shouldn't be there. I need to get on with my life but feel like I'm in limbo. My friends and colleauges are all supportive but the "biggest" people in my life - my family - aren't.

I'm thinking that once I'm out then its maybe time to lay the cards on the table and get them to deal with it - I cant do it whilst I'm here though - I'm just not strong enough.

Im channeling my self loathing into spending money, I need to be more careful and funnel my cash into paying off the parents and escaping.

Im feeling really lonely and want someone to share life with but in my current situation its night on impossible. bleh.

As for the obligatory weightloss bit. 0.9kg - so 41.5lbs down now. Still got the gut and need to sort that out.

Well, thats that done

Well,

Christmas is over (and thank god for that!) Back to work tomorrow for a long shift and then off again till the new year.

I've been feeling pretty fed up with it all recently and have actually had to take a week off work with stress. Work is getting to me, the trans thing has been getting to me and the fokls have been getting to me.

I think that the biggest step I can take at this point is to move out, I have another glimmer of hope with respect to that - a friend of a friend has a room coming available soon and we have said that we will discuss it in the new year. On the face of it, it looks like a good prospect as I know the person and she knows me and the trans thing so I can be me without worry.

I've also decided that this year I AM replacing the Rover and it will be replaced with a MK1 Toyota MR2.

Anyway, lets see how 2011 goes.

????

All quiet on the western front. Still fed up and wondering what to do with myself, weight up by 0.1kg - booooooo hisssssssss

Morris still not on the road, couldn't get some bits off the old cylinder head so replacements needed to be ordered. Bugger it.

hmmm

Well, I think that I should have some witty social commentary to add in here but meh, fuck it. Nothing to comment on.

Weight loss is going OK down to 88.4kg now so getting there slowly.

I'm feeling pretty fed up about things at the moment and have been considering going down the self med route, I know its risky but it keeps popping up it head in my mind and I'm not quite sure what to do. Past experience dictates that I'm going to have one heck of a game registering with a quack.

Things feel pretty sucky for me at the moment and I'm at a low ebb, probabally not too far from where I was about this time last year when things really went wrong. Work sucks its all stress for little reward at the moment and theres so much bullshit being spouted with the change in comission. Our individual commission is now decided by what the person we speak to thinks of the company as a whole - not suprisingly the last 4 call reviews have gone against me (despite 3 being very good!) what kind of crazy world is it where "very good" is deemed to be derogatory??

In time honoured fashion, fuck it

FUCK IT

FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT!

Well, to say that I am snarfed off with myself is a teensy bit of an understandment. I am such a fucking moron. Im stupid because I allowed myself to get all excited over this stupid flat without actually doing the mature thing and looking at the maths too. I cant fucking afford it! I cant afford to move anywhere it seems.

How in hell can I not afford to even live anywhere!? Its not even like I'm on a minimum wage

I feel so amazingly angry with myself for getting excited, so frustrated that I seem to be getting nowhere and I feel even worse about me.

I guess I was looking forwards to actually getting out and getting going to to speak, to actually have the freedom to be me. I feel so dissasociated from my physical presence at the moment its untrue and its driving me nuts. I guess that my negative feelings towards myself in general have given the trans stuff a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll rev down again in a bit. Maybe not.

In the meantime. FUCK IT!

Bit lax

Has it really been over a month since I last posted anything?? Wow!

I guess its because I've been feeling a bit down about things again of late. I didn't end up buying the pickup that I mentioned in my previous post. I wound up buying a different car on the 13th. "Agatha" a 1968 Morris Minor 2 door in Maroon, absolutly rock solid and very tidy looking - but a little reluctant to start (but thats not too much of an issue, everything else is pretty damned good and mechanicals can be fixed easily) I am only the third owner - the previous lady owned it for the last 32 years!

As for me, I've been pretty down on the trans thing of late and everything girly that I own is currently stashed away in the bottom of my wardrobe. I did say that its not coming out again until I have my own place (more on that later) but I have made an exception for the works LGBT group (Pride Network) party, which I am really looking forwards to! The theme is "Glitz and Glamour" and I'm a little worried about that as I am simply not a glam person! I have nothing, and no idea what, to wear!

I guess another reason for feeling naffed off with everything at the moment is the diet, its not really been going well at all. This morning though I have actually got to a net loss in the first time in yonks, I've beaten the 90kg mark now (14st 2 at the mo) so feeling a little more positive about it all again.

Anyway, the big news - on Wednesday I was offered a flat to rent by a colleague who is moving in with his other half. Its a very large studio, recently decorated with all its own facilities and we've agreed a mates rates type deal. I can move in anytime between Jan and March so I am now working damned hard to get the cash to pay off my folks before march (£1500 required) so I'm planning on getting in some overtime at work and getting a whole load of DVDs and other odds and sods onto ebay (dual purpose - I wont have to move everything with me...)

So with any luck I will be moving out of the parents place (AT LAST!!!!) into my own little place in the middle of Hove (bliss)

Anyway lets see how this week pans out...

Driving off into the sunset

Well, first things first, its been another good weight loss week, down to 92kg now (thats 14lb 6st)and I'm not sure quite how it happened! Oh well that makes me feel pretty good anyhow!

As I'm sat writing I have literally just sold the Morris, its been gone less than 10 minutes and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad to have the money but I said that I would never sell it and I'm feeling a little gutted that its now gone. I have however been offered the oppertunity to buy a Morris Pickup from someone I know online and whilst its not exactly what I want its certainly a tempting concept.

In other news, at work I had my first meeting with my career mentor (all organised through the pride group at work) and she came up with some really positive suggestions for me and things to look at. I forsee it being a very useful relationship to have....

Another week down

Diet is going OK, Not helped by the folks taking us all to a fish and chips restuarant on Thursday night, but hey. Still lost this week. Down to 93.4kg and I cant be arsed to work out what that is in old money

The car has been an absolute nightmare this week and I've almost had to do more work to it in the last few days as bits have fallen off than I've done in the whole of the last 5 years.

I spent the whole of Wednesday prepping it for the MOT - which it passed with a little bit of fiddling with the headlights. However, on getting it home part of the rear wood section collapsed with rot. During the process of fixing it the rear doors broke and needed replacement then the car wasn't running properly.

The list goes on and on, lets see what it does when I try and sell it...

Motoring on.

Just to get the obligatory bit out of the way. Down to 94.0kg (14st 11) so hardly a great loss - but its a loss all the same so thats good!

To be frank, the last week has been pretty much a non-event. I've spent most of it at work doing shedloads of overtime. I've been downright skinted and had to borrow some cash off my old man.

The reason for the loan? The Cat! The silly little sod has done something to his noggin, so £40 down and i have some cream to rub on his head and he's turned into a lampshade head. I've been trying to sell all the stuff I have at home that I never use and I've managed to sell a gearbox to a friend for £40 so I have enough cash to get through to payday on Thursday.

The big news though... Someone came to look at the Morris Today and they actually want to buy it! So that'll be a nice £1500 when it passes the MOT. So, this has got me thinking about what I want to get to replace it. Its got to be capable of everyday use and the trek between Southampton and Brighton, less than £1000 and be "interesting". The current thinking is another Minor an early Minor 1000 saloon. But these have been thought about too:

Sierra Xr4x4. Well within budget, fast, comfortable but likely to be bloody expensive to insure and a pain in the arse to fix
Mini. Unlikely to be able to get a decent one within budget
Triumph Vitesse - bit boring and dont know a great deal about them
Triumph Spitfire - too expensive for a good un
Beetle - just no......

Any other thoughts??

God, I've been pretty awful!

Well,

it seems I've been pretty piss poor at posting of late! I guess life overtook me somewhat. Oh well never mind!

So, as I write this todays weight measurent is 94.4kg! (thats 14st 12 in old money) meaning I have lost 11.5kg (25lbs) which Im quite chuffed with. Cant say that I can really see the difference but some of the peeps around me are commenting so I guess thats a good thing!

So, I guess the big news is that I've changed shifts at work now and the simple act of working 4 long days has meant that my working (and commuting) week has been cut by over 13 hours!! I'm also staying with my lovely friend Tree at the moment 2 nights a week which helps hugely.

Well, anyway I've been feeling pretty down of late about the trans thing. Nothing specific or quantifyable but more that I really cant be bothered to put loads of effort into it when a) I shouldn't have to in the first place and b) I just end up looking crap anyway! I'm certainly not spending any money on anything girly over the next few months and not till I get a place of my own when I can actually be me rather than having to pretend.

Meh, fuckit.

Indecent proposal

Well, first things first its been another loss this week. Down to 97.8kg now (meaing I've lost 8kg (17.5lbs) over 8 weeks! Well chuffed with that =)

The interview for the job went OK I suppose and I expect to hear on Monday (very much prepared for a negative response though!)

The real gossip this week though is that I have set up a profile on adultwork.com for chat/webcam/SMS work to try and get a little bit more cash coming in. Its all a bit of a giggle really =o)

Blef

Inverview cancelled. Meh. Fuggit.

Nicked from Jess2Impress

Well, a little poem from Jess that I have nicked and slightly modified;

I'm a little T Girl proud and out,
Here is my handbag and here is my pout
When you trip me over, my tits fall out,
I put them back in and sort myself out

A fortnight? Really?

Gah, I wrote a huge long thing and blogger deleted it! ARRRRGGGHHHH!

Well, its been a busy old fortnight, with many occurances.

Thursday 5th August - To celebrate Pride at work we had a theme day on my floor. My team was designated as being "Treasure Island" so of course I decided to play up to it a little and turned up as a pirate wench!



That day, I also had an appointment with Occupational Health to discuss my exhaustion and lethargy at work and it was a total and utter waste of time! The OH woman claimed that she had read my file and knew what was going on but on discussion she simply said to me "You have a choice, either move or get a new job in Southampton" NEITHER of which are an option at the moment - on pointing this out she replied with "Well, cant you borrow some money from your parents" - considering I was speaking to Occ health earlier in the year about the situation with my folks and the amount of money I owe them I very nearly hit the roof! To top it off, when they sent their report to my manager they reccomended 6 hours off a week for a fortnight - we agreed a WHOLE day off (7 hours) - the 6 hour thing is totally and utterly pointless!

Sorry, mini rant there, back on Subject.......

Since the theme day at work there have been a few comments from people at work who found my "dressing up" funny, this made me feel somewhat uncomfortable and although I know that no malice was meant and the comments were born out of misunderstanding I felt that something needed to be done. What I did was the following, a nice group email to everyone in the team:

Hi Guys,

I would be grateful if you would please not discuss this with people outside of this team for the moment, and also allow those within the team to read this before any discussion.

After a few comments that I've received (nothing that I have deemed to be malicious, and I have no intention of naming names) I felt it necessary to write to the team as whole to clarify my situation, as I do not believe that everyone understands the same thing. I feel that I make a mistake on Thursdays theme day and that by attending in the manner that I did, I have inadvertently trivialised my situation. I am currently undergoing a great deal of turmoil regarding my gender identity alongside a number of other stresses in my life.

Whilst I live and attend work in a male guise, I do not feel that is me and at some point (timescale unknown) I have the intention of moving forwards to living full time as Female. I am sure you will all understand that this is a very difficult thing to deal with and I would appreciate your understanding and not attempting to make light of it. I would also ask that you please take a moment to think before making any comment. Should anyone have any questions I am perfectly happy to answer them (within reason), either face to face or by email.

Thank you

Since then, I've had a number of apologies and very supportive comments - possibly the BEST thing I have ever done at work!

Moving on to the Pride weekend itself, I was lucky enough to be able to stay with my good friend Tree and a few other reprobates that showed up. I had a great time wandering round the park and dancing away on the American Express float during the parade....

I took a dress down approach for pride, opting for comfort for the day rather than being a peacock, think my outfit turned out OK



Anyhooo life has been fairly straightforward since then, however I have found THE job I've wanted since joining Amex listed and I've got an interview for it on Tuesday. I'm very nervous about it and dont expect to get it (nothing good ever happens to me......) but I'm going to give it my best shot and try not to be dissapointed if it all goes wrong!

Having hopped on the scales this morning I couldn't quite believe my eyes - I thought the scales were reading wrong. 98.9kg (15st 8lb) - 1.5kg (3 1/3lbs) loss in the last week! I am now the least fat I have been within my adult life - from memory (wooooooooooooooooo!)

Another week, another dollar

Well, pound actually. I'm now down to 15st 12lb (101.0kg) which is quite nice. Only a small loss this week but a loss is a loss!

I'm not sure there is a great deal to report otherwise

No Scales shots this time

Well, its been a fortnight since my last post (this must be some kind of record hahahha)

I've had to forgo the normal Sunday weigh in as I wont be near a scale on Sunday morning so did it today.

I've gone down into the 15 stones! Wahoooooooo! Now 15st 13 and getting closer to being a skinny minny!

In other news, I spent the whole of last weekend (well, Sat eve, sun, mon, tues) being me and I had a fabulous time just chilling out and relaxing.

I'm now heading off to a roller disco in Hertfordshire. Wish me luck....


one of the best pics from the weekend

Just for the benefit of bexbag

Just because Bexbag insisted. I seem to have lost 0.1kg in the last 3 hours. Ignore the bad composition and dodgy feets....

Its been that long!?

Cripes, I didn't realise just how long it had been since I last put some scribblings on here. I really am crap aren't I?

Anyhoo, the big news;

I am on a diet. I'm trying to lose weight with weight watchers and according to them I am allowed to scoff 30 "points" a day. It seems to be fairly straightforward to keep up with it. Although I did crack a little today and scoffed a KFC (2 Piece Variety Meal, 17 points) so a bit less supper for me!

The really tricky bit is when I am at home and mum is cooking - although she understands that I am trying to do this and does her best to help its hard to keep control and plan when someone else is doing the catering. 1 week down and I've gone from a lardy 105.8kg to a skinny 105.1kg (lol) or 16st 9lb to approx 16st 7.5lb it'll do for now anyway. BMI was 30.6 and now 30.4 so a small improvement but still in the "obese" category. Boo Hiss!

And now for some guff.

I've not had a great deal of opportunity of late to be Danni of late which I have struggled with, being unable to offer any expression of my girly side. Its probably been 6 weeks at a guess, with the London Picnic being the last time. Last night however I went to a gathering at my lovely friend Tree's house and met a number of Chixers (some old friends, some totally new to me) and it was absolutly lovely to be me for once.

Although *I* have not been able to be Danni I've still been in the community and trying to help other transfolk. I'm really pleased that I managed to help Susie Gray with her deed poll. Susie does not have a great deal of spare cash and would not have been able to pay for it herself for months or even years. Its been my great pleasure to help her with this, and the timing is significant - she is shortly to attend her first appointment at Charing Cross and its so much better to have some things in place before dealing with CX.

Anyway, lets see how long it takes me to blog next time!

Meh

Dont know why I bothered to write this. Nothing to say, nothing to report. Just MEH!!!!!!!!!

;op

Lasers

Hmm,

I really am being rubbish at posting here aren't I? Oh well better to be disorganised, scatty and fun than an organisation Nazi I suppose.

Theres been no great shakes since my last post, but I am feeling a little better in myself. Uni is now completed (as of Wednesday) it feels really weird being out of education for the first time in 2 decades but its superb - means I have more time for me and to get out there and do the things I want to do.

Now, as a post uni pat on the back to myself, I have made a small investment - a home IPL machine! Sadly its second hand, but has apparently seen very minimal use (used once...) but for the sake of £40 it has to be worth a punt?

As much as I want to jump straight in and start zapping the hairs on my face, I dont think thats the sensible way forward - after all, I'm not sure how well this is going to work and I dont want to risk a disfigured mug. I'd rather let the professionals deal with that (after all, other body parts can be covered up without a burka!)

I'm not looking forwards to tomorrow, as I have to do the great garage clearout and remove a years worth of clutter, clothes, furniture and car bits - then I have to find somewhere for it all to go!!! At this point its going to be nessecary to cull a lot of my clothes that I keep there (not a purge, but a downsize) as space to keep them will be very limited.

Ho hum, lets see what happens!

Progress Slow

Seems I am being truly crap at posting to this blog - perhaps I should set myself a rule that I should post something every sunday? Might help me be a bit more disciplined!

Theres been nil progress since my last post - the local surgery refused to register me so I am currently GP less which is a pain in the bottom. They will however agree to see me if theres an emergency - which is a relief.

Over the last week or so my mind has pretty much been dominated by the trans thing and I've been feeling pretty low about it all - not least the realisation that living on my own is at least 12 months away - thats was a complete sucker punch! To try and speed things along a bit I've put my beloved Morris Minor (which I spent 4 years returning to the road) for sale - I hope it doesn't sell to be honest but if it does then thats a little more money for the kitty...

Ho hum.....

Well, here we are then!

Its taken a long time for me to be true to myself, to realise who I actually am and emerge from the mask of terminology and identity that I have hidden behind up until now. The purpose of this blog is for me to record my thoughts and feelings as I make my transition from male to female. Although I've made it open for all to see and comment on, its largely for my benefit so that I can look back and see the progress that I have made.

At the start of this process I'm spending nearly all of my time as Dan; an overweight mid 20s bloke. Come the end of this I'm hoping to be Danni a late 20s, slim, attractive, lady.

I'd like to think that I am able to portray a somewhat convincing feminine image already, although I am far from polished & perfect. I feel that I have a LOT of work to do before I will "pass" to the majority of people.

In the very short term my first mission is to actually get to the doctors to discuss it all and get to see a specialist Gender Counsellor and (hopefully) get on hormones - although that may well take a little bit longer.

I've been meaning to get this going for a few days, but can't sleep so out comes the laptop and away we go.

Wish me Luck

Danni xx