Firstly, another 1.5kg lost, putting me down to 82kg - another 7kg to go for ultimate target and just 4lbs to go till the 4 stone mark (4 weeks to do it to have completed it in a year!)
guess that its just a case of same shit different week really. I felt pretty dreadful about everything early on in the week and self certified off work for those 3 days (already had Saturday booked off, to assist with a car boot sale that never happened) and just spent the time chilling out, being me and doing a little soul searching. Anyway, the upshot is that I've worked out how I can get a GP and how I can get things kicked off and get the help I sorely need - not just the gender stuff but the depression etc as well - heck, its all bundled up together.
I'm looking forwards to getting back to work tomorrow and dreading it in equal measure. Work gives me something to focus on and gives me a reason to get up in the morning but I know I'm going to get awkward questions from my colleagues, I should be pleased really as its them wanting to help. I feel that (the majority of) my colleagues really do care about me and what's going on with me and if there was something they could do, they would. I guess that's an enviable position but its tricky as well - I guess that I bring it on myself a little because I am open and talk freely about the gender stuff when asked so people do ask but I'd far rather that than there being a dirty little whisper going around the office or feeling restricted in what I do to traditional male role things (I love sorting my nails out at my desk etc.)
This is going to be a weird week, but I have high hopes for it. 3 short days of training (9-5) and 1 normal day (10.45-8) but changing all of my days off etc. So when I return on Friday evening, I will hopefully have achieved 1) a good night out tomorrow 2) an interesting an educational week at work 3) and perhaps most important, be in the course of getting a GP registration - but that depends on bank paperwork arriving! I will be returning though to a car (rover) needing work with no MOT so thats going to be a bit of a downer.
On Sunday, I am going for an interview with Brighton Hospital Radio, I figure its a good way for me to get out a bit more and to mix in different circles and I've always had a bit of a fascination for radio, so it should pique my interest but we shall see.
Danni Out x
Monday, 30 May 2011
Sunday, 15 May 2011
Lax again
Firstly, I blame the "thoughts" thread on MSE for me not being so regular here, its so damned distracting!
First things first, weight down to 82.3kg! I'm seriously chuffed with that and getting a real sensation of getting there!
What has really become apparent to me is how much we can change in a year, I unearthed a picture from 29th May 2010, at the tvchix picnic
now, compare that to a pic from last night.....
I don't even look like the same person anymore! The weight loss is immediately obvious (although the 2010 pic is not the most flattering, it proves the point) and the whole shape of my face has changed, I've lost the jowels (I didnt realise I had) for one thing and my jawline has become smaller.
From the pics its clear that I'm holing myself with more confidence now and my outfit is a better ensemble than 2010 but I'm still learning but doing a far better job than I did before.
Anyway, just for the record the reason for dressing up was to go to Magic Theatre, I had a good time, met some very cool people and then back to Trees....
First things first, weight down to 82.3kg! I'm seriously chuffed with that and getting a real sensation of getting there!
What has really become apparent to me is how much we can change in a year, I unearthed a picture from 29th May 2010, at the tvchix picnic
now, compare that to a pic from last night.....
I don't even look like the same person anymore! The weight loss is immediately obvious (although the 2010 pic is not the most flattering, it proves the point) and the whole shape of my face has changed, I've lost the jowels (I didnt realise I had) for one thing and my jawline has become smaller.
From the pics its clear that I'm holing myself with more confidence now and my outfit is a better ensemble than 2010 but I'm still learning but doing a far better job than I did before.
Anyway, just for the record the reason for dressing up was to go to Magic Theatre, I had a good time, met some very cool people and then back to Trees....
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Consistency
I dont really feel that I have a heck of a lot to write today. I forgot to write last week but weight was 83.1kg.
My target this week was to maintain that weight as it was Easter Sunday and I went out for a curry on Friday so I was chuffed to bits to see 82.9kg on the scales this morning!!
I played my first ever round of golf on Friday too and rather enjoyed it, long walk and lots of blisters at the end but hit a pretty decent first round of 115. Yes, I know its a rubbish score really - but for first attempt I feel pretty good about it. To put it in context the chap I was playing with (who's been doing it for about 2 years) hit a round of 110 - so not too bad really!
I'm out and about for the next 2 weeks so measurements might be a bit tricky but again the target is maintainance rather than actual loss but fingers crossed really.
My target this week was to maintain that weight as it was Easter Sunday and I went out for a curry on Friday so I was chuffed to bits to see 82.9kg on the scales this morning!!
I played my first ever round of golf on Friday too and rather enjoyed it, long walk and lots of blisters at the end but hit a pretty decent first round of 115. Yes, I know its a rubbish score really - but for first attempt I feel pretty good about it. To put it in context the chap I was playing with (who's been doing it for about 2 years) hit a round of 110 - so not too bad really!
I'm out and about for the next 2 weeks so measurements might be a bit tricky but again the target is maintainance rather than actual loss but fingers crossed really.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Nothing ever changes
Well, I cant remember why I was fed up last week but I still am.
I've lost weight this week, down to 83.8kg still a little bit to do to get back to my best result so far (83.5kg) but I should be able to do that this week, then I just have to keep going till the belly is gone.
I found yesterday really hard, having spent most of Friday "at work" i.e chilling out at Tree's place just being me. If I'd have said that's what I was doing to the folks I would have got a lecture about how stupid I'm being so had to lie. So having spend time as Danni, it was a massive wrench to come back into the male work in the office on Saturday.
What really hit me like a ton of bricks is the facial hair. £1,190 for a course of 8 treatments of laser, which should do the job, but that is an absolutely unheard of sum of money for me and I'm really struggling. The two big obstacles to me are living with the parents and the face fuzz (Its just plain impractical to shave thrice daily - which I would need to do - and wouldn't be able to do it in the office) Steps are potentially afoot which will allow me to escape the folks, but not going to hold mry breath as if anyone's going to fuck things up its me.
To top yesterday off, I was driving home just starting to well up, and the car broke down. Fortunately the RAC fixed it at the roadside - only a broken clutch cable, but enough to stop me in my tracks next to a busy dual carriageway.
Getting home I logged on to one of the forums I frequent to find that I'd been treated to a whole batch of transphobic bullying, which really did send me to tears. Fortunately all that crap has now been removed and the instigator appears to be banned.
I'm unhappy, I'm Skint and feel like I'm going nowhere again. Just bloody wonderful.
I've lost weight this week, down to 83.8kg still a little bit to do to get back to my best result so far (83.5kg) but I should be able to do that this week, then I just have to keep going till the belly is gone.
I found yesterday really hard, having spent most of Friday "at work" i.e chilling out at Tree's place just being me. If I'd have said that's what I was doing to the folks I would have got a lecture about how stupid I'm being so had to lie. So having spend time as Danni, it was a massive wrench to come back into the male work in the office on Saturday.
What really hit me like a ton of bricks is the facial hair. £1,190 for a course of 8 treatments of laser, which should do the job, but that is an absolutely unheard of sum of money for me and I'm really struggling. The two big obstacles to me are living with the parents and the face fuzz (Its just plain impractical to shave thrice daily - which I would need to do - and wouldn't be able to do it in the office) Steps are potentially afoot which will allow me to escape the folks, but not going to hold mry breath as if anyone's going to fuck things up its me.
To top yesterday off, I was driving home just starting to well up, and the car broke down. Fortunately the RAC fixed it at the roadside - only a broken clutch cable, but enough to stop me in my tracks next to a busy dual carriageway.
Getting home I logged on to one of the forums I frequent to find that I'd been treated to a whole batch of transphobic bullying, which really did send me to tears. Fortunately all that crap has now been removed and the instigator appears to be banned.
I'm unhappy, I'm Skint and feel like I'm going nowhere again. Just bloody wonderful.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Sunday, 3 April 2011
gah
Nothing to really add since yesterday. +1.1kg on the weight front, but 2 nights of booze & takeaway was always going to do that.
Still on a downer. Just wish I was a normal girl and didn't have all this bloody issues.
Night.
Still on a downer. Just wish I was a normal girl and didn't have all this bloody issues.
Night.
Saturday, 2 April 2011
Feeling Shite
I really shouldn't do, but I feel like utter crap.
I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.
It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.
Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.
I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.
Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.
I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.
It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.
Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.
I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.
Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Anything to declare?
Well, my gut reaction to opening blogspot today was "what the hell do I write? Nothings happened at all!"
In reality, there's been a few things. Just to get the ugly out of the way I've put weight on this week - just 0.1kg but its an annoyance - easy enough to attribute, 1 McDonalds, 1 KFC and a kebab this week. Lets take it a bit easier the next week and hopefully I'll get a loss.
The good thing this week was that I received an email on Tuesday morning from Kerry, my career mentor at work, inviting me to a job interview on Thursday (next pay band up, and seems like a potentially interesting job) anyway, I left the interview feeling really upbeat - which is unusual for me as I'm normally screaming blue murder at myself about how I could have done better. I got a text later in the day telling me that I'd done really well - so I'm now really hopeful that I'll get into the second round of interviews but I'm not going to hold my breath!
The Morris has been a bit tricky over the last few days and not running especially well at idle that seems to be sorted now and I'm planning on driving it the 70 miles to work tomorrow. The radio still only works out of one speaker though - which is an annoyance but should be straightforward to fix when I have the time.
In terms of girly progress - theres not been a lot over the last week although I am sure that I'm getting some growth in the boob area, but I've not taken measurements so cant prove anything.
Danni Out x
In reality, there's been a few things. Just to get the ugly out of the way I've put weight on this week - just 0.1kg but its an annoyance - easy enough to attribute, 1 McDonalds, 1 KFC and a kebab this week. Lets take it a bit easier the next week and hopefully I'll get a loss.
The good thing this week was that I received an email on Tuesday morning from Kerry, my career mentor at work, inviting me to a job interview on Thursday (next pay band up, and seems like a potentially interesting job) anyway, I left the interview feeling really upbeat - which is unusual for me as I'm normally screaming blue murder at myself about how I could have done better. I got a text later in the day telling me that I'd done really well - so I'm now really hopeful that I'll get into the second round of interviews but I'm not going to hold my breath!
The Morris has been a bit tricky over the last few days and not running especially well at idle that seems to be sorted now and I'm planning on driving it the 70 miles to work tomorrow. The radio still only works out of one speaker though - which is an annoyance but should be straightforward to fix when I have the time.
In terms of girly progress - theres not been a lot over the last week although I am sure that I'm getting some growth in the boob area, but I've not taken measurements so cant prove anything.
Danni Out x
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Winning......?
I'm feeling pretty upbeat tonight - which has been very unusual recently!
Reason 1 - 1kg weight loss, which after the peicemeal losses of late (bar 13/02 - which I'm sure was a freak result) has been a really positive thing and has actually made me feel really good!
Reason 2 - The morris has no known faults that stop me driving it! I've driven less than 100 miles in it since I bought it in November due to all the faults that it has picked up. I had the engine out for the second time over the weekend - just to replace the clutch - but it only took an afternoon and the car seems to be running and driving OK now. Of course, there's still jobs to do but they don't stop me from actually using the car! The Morris WILL be going to Brighton before the end of the month.
As for my personal development, there's probably not a lot to report since Tuesdays blog entry. I'm still feeling pretty stifled at home and have a strong urge to escape. The parents have been nagging me because I'm down for ages (Thrice since last saturday!!) and they are convinced that its money issues - what they don't seem to realise is that they are the problem. They wont let me be me and its driving me nuts.
That said, I've put an application in for a new job at work, my career mentor is the recruiting manager but she has pretty much made me feel that there's no certainty in me getting the job - so I probably wont! That said, I think it would be a great role for me and the extra money would be massively life changing.
I've been pretty good at staying off chix chatrooms & forums since last weekend. I've dipped in to check on my goodbye thread but not posted anything. I reckon that thread will get no more posts so I'll just stay off for now - its getting less and less tempting to sign in there and I'm certain its doing me good not being on there 24/7
Danni Out. x
Reason 1 - 1kg weight loss, which after the peicemeal losses of late (bar 13/02 - which I'm sure was a freak result) has been a really positive thing and has actually made me feel really good!
Reason 2 - The morris has no known faults that stop me driving it! I've driven less than 100 miles in it since I bought it in November due to all the faults that it has picked up. I had the engine out for the second time over the weekend - just to replace the clutch - but it only took an afternoon and the car seems to be running and driving OK now. Of course, there's still jobs to do but they don't stop me from actually using the car! The Morris WILL be going to Brighton before the end of the month.
As for my personal development, there's probably not a lot to report since Tuesdays blog entry. I'm still feeling pretty stifled at home and have a strong urge to escape. The parents have been nagging me because I'm down for ages (Thrice since last saturday!!) and they are convinced that its money issues - what they don't seem to realise is that they are the problem. They wont let me be me and its driving me nuts.
That said, I've put an application in for a new job at work, my career mentor is the recruiting manager but she has pretty much made me feel that there's no certainty in me getting the job - so I probably wont! That said, I think it would be a great role for me and the extra money would be massively life changing.
I've been pretty good at staying off chix chatrooms & forums since last weekend. I've dipped in to check on my goodbye thread but not posted anything. I reckon that thread will get no more posts so I'll just stay off for now - its getting less and less tempting to sign in there and I'm certain its doing me good not being on there 24/7
Danni Out. x
Tuesday, 8 March 2011
Who is Clare?
A little mini update, posted from my phone.
Thanks to a mistake with the rota at work, I wound up with an unexpected day off today. A great excuse to be me. Having got myself sorted out I decided that today was the day I would go out with confidence (only third time out in the daylight) and duly I headed out with my head high. Throughout the day I was not aware of anyone who 'read' me. Whether that's down to the new approach, a decent attempt at the slap or just the stars aligning. Makes me feel really positive for the future.
The reason for heading out? To attend a trans group called the Clare project. It was a really useful little group and good to talk about my issues with new and understanding people. I even bumped into an old acquaintance - Alexandra - who I've not seen since the summer.
As an aside, I'm having a little experiment with herbals, but more on that next time, and I have taken a break from the trans sites for an unyet undecided period
Outlook slightly less cloudy, but a hint of pessimism....
Thanks to a mistake with the rota at work, I wound up with an unexpected day off today. A great excuse to be me. Having got myself sorted out I decided that today was the day I would go out with confidence (only third time out in the daylight) and duly I headed out with my head high. Throughout the day I was not aware of anyone who 'read' me. Whether that's down to the new approach, a decent attempt at the slap or just the stars aligning. Makes me feel really positive for the future.
The reason for heading out? To attend a trans group called the Clare project. It was a really useful little group and good to talk about my issues with new and understanding people. I even bumped into an old acquaintance - Alexandra - who I've not seen since the summer.
As an aside, I'm having a little experiment with herbals, but more on that next time, and I have taken a break from the trans sites for an unyet undecided period
Outlook slightly less cloudy, but a hint of pessimism....
Sunday, 6 March 2011
And another thing
Just to add to the previous, read that first.
I'm utterly fed up with the trans sites that I'm part of, they are doing nothing for me at the moment theres nothing of interest and very few people of interest (those who are there know who you are - not that I will have said explicitly) I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've stagnated - i've little to learn from those sites and even less to contribute. I want to take a break from them but they keep sucking me in hoping that there will be that little nugget of gold - something truly witty, inspiring or educational but its the same old dross again and again and again. Sod it.
I've given up smoking - probably about 3 weeks ago now but still get the odd hankering which is worrying but I've not relented which is a bloody miracle considering how down I've been.
Actually, the whole internet is boring me now. I feel semi-isolated from the world there is nothing out there online or in real life that really grabs me - I simply have lost the ability to become passionate or care about anything. me = flat.
I really need that job, not just for the money but for the change of scene - something to kick me up the arse and actually get me living again.
Danni = depressed
I'm utterly fed up with the trans sites that I'm part of, they are doing nothing for me at the moment theres nothing of interest and very few people of interest (those who are there know who you are - not that I will have said explicitly) I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've stagnated - i've little to learn from those sites and even less to contribute. I want to take a break from them but they keep sucking me in hoping that there will be that little nugget of gold - something truly witty, inspiring or educational but its the same old dross again and again and again. Sod it.
I've given up smoking - probably about 3 weeks ago now but still get the odd hankering which is worrying but I've not relented which is a bloody miracle considering how down I've been.
Actually, the whole internet is boring me now. I feel semi-isolated from the world there is nothing out there online or in real life that really grabs me - I simply have lost the ability to become passionate or care about anything. me = flat.
I really need that job, not just for the money but for the change of scene - something to kick me up the arse and actually get me living again.
Danni = depressed
Well, I've neglected this place
Well, I've not posted in over a month. I guess thats a symptom of my general malaise really.
Weight loss has happened. but for the last 2 weeks I've actually put weight on which has sucked - I did get a small loss this week just 100g which pretty much sucks.
I've been feeling flat as a pancake really (topical - pancake day is Tuesday) I'm full on skint, questionable if I even have enough money to pay the petrol etc to get to work and I've felt ill for weeks - cough, over tired etc.
The cars havn't helped - the rover had a catastrophic breakdown a week and a bit ago and I ended up coming home on a truck. Its fixed now but its severly dented my confidence in it. The Morris is running and the engine is really good BUT the fackin clutch is slipping like nobodys business. I was hoping to fix it this weekend but the parts never arrived.
There is some positivity at work, it seems commission might be payable again soon but its really hard to actually think this will happen and get motivated. Work Sucks, Life Sucks and I'm still living with the parents.
I need to get out of the parents place urgently but I just cant do it. Money is too tight - I cant save as Im running a defecit and what savings I did have are gone. I potentially have a promotion on the horizon. Logically I have good reason to apply for it and be positive. Emotionally I just feel like Im going to screw it up. IF I get it, the extra money should enable me to get out of the folks place, and get on with my transition (I might even have enough to get laser!) I need this new job, not just from that perspective but to actually give me something to get up in the morning for. Before now, I've never actually woken up and thought "oh god, got to go to work" but Im doing it every morning now. I'm sure that if I had a doc, and I went, I'd get signed off - but I cant afford to take time off, I need to protect my sickness record at work and get everything done for this potential promotion
On the positive side, I'm now on the comittee of PRIDE-UK works national LGBT employee network and I've arranged a drink for bi&trans members at the end of the month. I've booked a hotel that day so hopefully I'll be able to take some proper me time even if its only a late evening and morning before work.
I'm sure theres more to write, but I just cant think of it right now. Oh well
Weight loss has happened. but for the last 2 weeks I've actually put weight on which has sucked - I did get a small loss this week just 100g which pretty much sucks.
I've been feeling flat as a pancake really (topical - pancake day is Tuesday) I'm full on skint, questionable if I even have enough money to pay the petrol etc to get to work and I've felt ill for weeks - cough, over tired etc.
The cars havn't helped - the rover had a catastrophic breakdown a week and a bit ago and I ended up coming home on a truck. Its fixed now but its severly dented my confidence in it. The Morris is running and the engine is really good BUT the fackin clutch is slipping like nobodys business. I was hoping to fix it this weekend but the parts never arrived.
There is some positivity at work, it seems commission might be payable again soon but its really hard to actually think this will happen and get motivated. Work Sucks, Life Sucks and I'm still living with the parents.
I need to get out of the parents place urgently but I just cant do it. Money is too tight - I cant save as Im running a defecit and what savings I did have are gone. I potentially have a promotion on the horizon. Logically I have good reason to apply for it and be positive. Emotionally I just feel like Im going to screw it up. IF I get it, the extra money should enable me to get out of the folks place, and get on with my transition (I might even have enough to get laser!) I need this new job, not just from that perspective but to actually give me something to get up in the morning for. Before now, I've never actually woken up and thought "oh god, got to go to work" but Im doing it every morning now. I'm sure that if I had a doc, and I went, I'd get signed off - but I cant afford to take time off, I need to protect my sickness record at work and get everything done for this potential promotion
On the positive side, I'm now on the comittee of PRIDE-UK works national LGBT employee network and I've arranged a drink for bi&trans members at the end of the month. I've booked a hotel that day so hopefully I'll be able to take some proper me time even if its only a late evening and morning before work.
I'm sure theres more to write, but I just cant think of it right now. Oh well
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Grrr
Well, I didnt get the job. By the sounds of it I wasn't far off though (not sure whether thats a good thing or not mind you) lost another 0.3kg this week so im keeping on with the weight loss.
I'm finding the trans stuff hugely frustrating at the moment, I just want to get on and be me but its all proving a bit to hard to do anything at the moment. Anyway, hopefully I'll get myself registered with a GP this week
I'm finding the trans stuff hugely frustrating at the moment, I just want to get on and be me but its all proving a bit to hard to do anything at the moment. Anyway, hopefully I'll get myself registered with a GP this week
Sunday, 23 January 2011
All quiet on the western front
lets get the obligatory done. 1kg (2.2lbs) lost so that nicely counteracts last week.
I dont really feel that I have a great deal to write this week, there certainly doesn't feel to have been any great developments or personal growth. I've applied for another job - I flippin HATE my current one and need out, sooner rather than later.
I cant remember if I've posted about the troubles with the Morris, but the new engine is now installed and nearly all the bolts are done up. It runs, albeit badly and the mission is to try and fix it on Thursday.
Danni Out. x
I dont really feel that I have a great deal to write this week, there certainly doesn't feel to have been any great developments or personal growth. I've applied for another job - I flippin HATE my current one and need out, sooner rather than later.
I cant remember if I've posted about the troubles with the Morris, but the new engine is now installed and nearly all the bolts are done up. It runs, albeit badly and the mission is to try and fix it on Thursday.
Danni Out. x
Monday, 17 January 2011
oops
oops! I forgot to make an entry last night!
Well, put weight on. Boo Hiss! 0.6kg. Bleh!
Anyway, I'm posting this from work so have to be a bit sensible with what I write.
The big news for the week is that I have been asked to write something for the Pride Feb newsletter (Pride in this instance being the work LGBT group) and I'm completely stuck for what to write. I'm fairly sure that I am the only active T-person within the group, but heck its hard to tell sometimes! So should I write a call to arms? a documentary piece, something observational or something helpful? I'm really stuck.
The other thing that I've been contemplating in a weird abstract way recently is my name. Of course, here and most places online, I am Danni but in the real world most of the time I am Dan. I've always found it very difficult when people called me Danny - why? Is it some kind of reference to the gender of that name? Is it too close to the female form of Danni? Maybe its just an ugly looking word? I think its too "harsh" in form very angular and masculine whereas the i of Danni helps smooth it over and makes the word visually more attractive. Either way, I've started calling myself Danni at work now to colleages and customers - of course most percieve it with the y but internally I'm clinging on to dear life to the I. Some people are spelling it with an I which is FANTASTIC but I dont feel that I can force that onto everyone at this point, in fact I'm still struggling to get people to address me as anything other than Dan, or Daniel. Meh.
Anyway, time to sign off and think about what to write.....
Well, put weight on. Boo Hiss! 0.6kg. Bleh!
Anyway, I'm posting this from work so have to be a bit sensible with what I write.
The big news for the week is that I have been asked to write something for the Pride Feb newsletter (Pride in this instance being the work LGBT group) and I'm completely stuck for what to write. I'm fairly sure that I am the only active T-person within the group, but heck its hard to tell sometimes! So should I write a call to arms? a documentary piece, something observational or something helpful? I'm really stuck.
The other thing that I've been contemplating in a weird abstract way recently is my name. Of course, here and most places online, I am Danni but in the real world most of the time I am Dan. I've always found it very difficult when people called me Danny - why? Is it some kind of reference to the gender of that name? Is it too close to the female form of Danni? Maybe its just an ugly looking word? I think its too "harsh" in form very angular and masculine whereas the i of Danni helps smooth it over and makes the word visually more attractive. Either way, I've started calling myself Danni at work now to colleages and customers - of course most percieve it with the y but internally I'm clinging on to dear life to the I. Some people are spelling it with an I which is FANTASTIC but I dont feel that I can force that onto everyone at this point, in fact I'm still struggling to get people to address me as anything other than Dan, or Daniel. Meh.
Anyway, time to sign off and think about what to write.....
Sunday, 9 January 2011
Meh.
Im feeling really fed up with it all right now.
I dont really know how to put it into words, but Im so frustrated with everything right now. Because of the home situation I probabally won't be able to go FT until summer 2012 (when the sis graduates Uni) and unless I can get the money up to go to Thailand (fat chance) I'm going to be 30 before I can have the surgery.
Im fed up with looking down and seeing something that shouldn't be there. I need to get on with my life but feel like I'm in limbo. My friends and colleauges are all supportive but the "biggest" people in my life - my family - aren't.
I'm thinking that once I'm out then its maybe time to lay the cards on the table and get them to deal with it - I cant do it whilst I'm here though - I'm just not strong enough.
Im channeling my self loathing into spending money, I need to be more careful and funnel my cash into paying off the parents and escaping.
Im feeling really lonely and want someone to share life with but in my current situation its night on impossible. bleh.
As for the obligatory weightloss bit. 0.9kg - so 41.5lbs down now. Still got the gut and need to sort that out.
I dont really know how to put it into words, but Im so frustrated with everything right now. Because of the home situation I probabally won't be able to go FT until summer 2012 (when the sis graduates Uni) and unless I can get the money up to go to Thailand (fat chance) I'm going to be 30 before I can have the surgery.
Im fed up with looking down and seeing something that shouldn't be there. I need to get on with my life but feel like I'm in limbo. My friends and colleauges are all supportive but the "biggest" people in my life - my family - aren't.
I'm thinking that once I'm out then its maybe time to lay the cards on the table and get them to deal with it - I cant do it whilst I'm here though - I'm just not strong enough.
Im channeling my self loathing into spending money, I need to be more careful and funnel my cash into paying off the parents and escaping.
Im feeling really lonely and want someone to share life with but in my current situation its night on impossible. bleh.
As for the obligatory weightloss bit. 0.9kg - so 41.5lbs down now. Still got the gut and need to sort that out.
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
Well, thats that done
Well,
Christmas is over (and thank god for that!) Back to work tomorrow for a long shift and then off again till the new year.
I've been feeling pretty fed up with it all recently and have actually had to take a week off work with stress. Work is getting to me, the trans thing has been getting to me and the fokls have been getting to me.
I think that the biggest step I can take at this point is to move out, I have another glimmer of hope with respect to that - a friend of a friend has a room coming available soon and we have said that we will discuss it in the new year. On the face of it, it looks like a good prospect as I know the person and she knows me and the trans thing so I can be me without worry.
I've also decided that this year I AM replacing the Rover and it will be replaced with a MK1 Toyota MR2.
Anyway, lets see how 2011 goes.
Christmas is over (and thank god for that!) Back to work tomorrow for a long shift and then off again till the new year.
I've been feeling pretty fed up with it all recently and have actually had to take a week off work with stress. Work is getting to me, the trans thing has been getting to me and the fokls have been getting to me.
I think that the biggest step I can take at this point is to move out, I have another glimmer of hope with respect to that - a friend of a friend has a room coming available soon and we have said that we will discuss it in the new year. On the face of it, it looks like a good prospect as I know the person and she knows me and the trans thing so I can be me without worry.
I've also decided that this year I AM replacing the Rover and it will be replaced with a MK1 Toyota MR2.
Anyway, lets see how 2011 goes.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
????
All quiet on the western front. Still fed up and wondering what to do with myself, weight up by 0.1kg - booooooo hisssssssss
Morris still not on the road, couldn't get some bits off the old cylinder head so replacements needed to be ordered. Bugger it.
Morris still not on the road, couldn't get some bits off the old cylinder head so replacements needed to be ordered. Bugger it.
Sunday, 28 November 2010
hmmm
Well, I think that I should have some witty social commentary to add in here but meh, fuck it. Nothing to comment on.
Weight loss is going OK down to 88.4kg now so getting there slowly.
I'm feeling pretty fed up about things at the moment and have been considering going down the self med route, I know its risky but it keeps popping up it head in my mind and I'm not quite sure what to do. Past experience dictates that I'm going to have one heck of a game registering with a quack.
Things feel pretty sucky for me at the moment and I'm at a low ebb, probabally not too far from where I was about this time last year when things really went wrong. Work sucks its all stress for little reward at the moment and theres so much bullshit being spouted with the change in comission. Our individual commission is now decided by what the person we speak to thinks of the company as a whole - not suprisingly the last 4 call reviews have gone against me (despite 3 being very good!) what kind of crazy world is it where "very good" is deemed to be derogatory??
In time honoured fashion, fuck it
Weight loss is going OK down to 88.4kg now so getting there slowly.
I'm feeling pretty fed up about things at the moment and have been considering going down the self med route, I know its risky but it keeps popping up it head in my mind and I'm not quite sure what to do. Past experience dictates that I'm going to have one heck of a game registering with a quack.
Things feel pretty sucky for me at the moment and I'm at a low ebb, probabally not too far from where I was about this time last year when things really went wrong. Work sucks its all stress for little reward at the moment and theres so much bullshit being spouted with the change in comission. Our individual commission is now decided by what the person we speak to thinks of the company as a whole - not suprisingly the last 4 call reviews have gone against me (despite 3 being very good!) what kind of crazy world is it where "very good" is deemed to be derogatory??
In time honoured fashion, fuck it
Monday, 15 November 2010
FUCK IT
FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT!
Well, to say that I am snarfed off with myself is a teensy bit of an understandment. I am such a fucking moron. Im stupid because I allowed myself to get all excited over this stupid flat without actually doing the mature thing and looking at the maths too. I cant fucking afford it! I cant afford to move anywhere it seems.
How in hell can I not afford to even live anywhere!? Its not even like I'm on a minimum wage
I feel so amazingly angry with myself for getting excited, so frustrated that I seem to be getting nowhere and I feel even worse about me.
I guess I was looking forwards to actually getting out and getting going to to speak, to actually have the freedom to be me. I feel so dissasociated from my physical presence at the moment its untrue and its driving me nuts. I guess that my negative feelings towards myself in general have given the trans stuff a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll rev down again in a bit. Maybe not.
In the meantime. FUCK IT!
Well, to say that I am snarfed off with myself is a teensy bit of an understandment. I am such a fucking moron. Im stupid because I allowed myself to get all excited over this stupid flat without actually doing the mature thing and looking at the maths too. I cant fucking afford it! I cant afford to move anywhere it seems.
How in hell can I not afford to even live anywhere!? Its not even like I'm on a minimum wage
I feel so amazingly angry with myself for getting excited, so frustrated that I seem to be getting nowhere and I feel even worse about me.
I guess I was looking forwards to actually getting out and getting going to to speak, to actually have the freedom to be me. I feel so dissasociated from my physical presence at the moment its untrue and its driving me nuts. I guess that my negative feelings towards myself in general have given the trans stuff a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll rev down again in a bit. Maybe not.
In the meantime. FUCK IT!
Sunday, 14 November 2010
Bit lax
Has it really been over a month since I last posted anything?? Wow!
I guess its because I've been feeling a bit down about things again of late. I didn't end up buying the pickup that I mentioned in my previous post. I wound up buying a different car on the 13th. "Agatha" a 1968 Morris Minor 2 door in Maroon, absolutly rock solid and very tidy looking - but a little reluctant to start (but thats not too much of an issue, everything else is pretty damned good and mechanicals can be fixed easily) I am only the third owner - the previous lady owned it for the last 32 years!
As for me, I've been pretty down on the trans thing of late and everything girly that I own is currently stashed away in the bottom of my wardrobe. I did say that its not coming out again until I have my own place (more on that later) but I have made an exception for the works LGBT group (Pride Network) party, which I am really looking forwards to! The theme is "Glitz and Glamour" and I'm a little worried about that as I am simply not a glam person! I have nothing, and no idea what, to wear!
I guess another reason for feeling naffed off with everything at the moment is the diet, its not really been going well at all. This morning though I have actually got to a net loss in the first time in yonks, I've beaten the 90kg mark now (14st 2 at the mo) so feeling a little more positive about it all again.
Anyway, the big news - on Wednesday I was offered a flat to rent by a colleague who is moving in with his other half. Its a very large studio, recently decorated with all its own facilities and we've agreed a mates rates type deal. I can move in anytime between Jan and March so I am now working damned hard to get the cash to pay off my folks before march (£1500 required) so I'm planning on getting in some overtime at work and getting a whole load of DVDs and other odds and sods onto ebay (dual purpose - I wont have to move everything with me...)
So with any luck I will be moving out of the parents place (AT LAST!!!!) into my own little place in the middle of Hove (bliss)
Anyway lets see how this week pans out...
I guess its because I've been feeling a bit down about things again of late. I didn't end up buying the pickup that I mentioned in my previous post. I wound up buying a different car on the 13th. "Agatha" a 1968 Morris Minor 2 door in Maroon, absolutly rock solid and very tidy looking - but a little reluctant to start (but thats not too much of an issue, everything else is pretty damned good and mechanicals can be fixed easily) I am only the third owner - the previous lady owned it for the last 32 years!
As for me, I've been pretty down on the trans thing of late and everything girly that I own is currently stashed away in the bottom of my wardrobe. I did say that its not coming out again until I have my own place (more on that later) but I have made an exception for the works LGBT group (Pride Network) party, which I am really looking forwards to! The theme is "Glitz and Glamour" and I'm a little worried about that as I am simply not a glam person! I have nothing, and no idea what, to wear!
I guess another reason for feeling naffed off with everything at the moment is the diet, its not really been going well at all. This morning though I have actually got to a net loss in the first time in yonks, I've beaten the 90kg mark now (14st 2 at the mo) so feeling a little more positive about it all again.
Anyway, the big news - on Wednesday I was offered a flat to rent by a colleague who is moving in with his other half. Its a very large studio, recently decorated with all its own facilities and we've agreed a mates rates type deal. I can move in anytime between Jan and March so I am now working damned hard to get the cash to pay off my folks before march (£1500 required) so I'm planning on getting in some overtime at work and getting a whole load of DVDs and other odds and sods onto ebay (dual purpose - I wont have to move everything with me...)
So with any luck I will be moving out of the parents place (AT LAST!!!!) into my own little place in the middle of Hove (bliss)
Anyway lets see how this week pans out...
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Driving off into the sunset
Well, first things first, its been another good weight loss week, down to 92kg now (thats 14lb 6st)and I'm not sure quite how it happened! Oh well that makes me feel pretty good anyhow!
As I'm sat writing I have literally just sold the Morris, its been gone less than 10 minutes and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad to have the money but I said that I would never sell it and I'm feeling a little gutted that its now gone. I have however been offered the oppertunity to buy a Morris Pickup from someone I know online and whilst its not exactly what I want its certainly a tempting concept.
In other news, at work I had my first meeting with my career mentor (all organised through the pride group at work) and she came up with some really positive suggestions for me and things to look at. I forsee it being a very useful relationship to have....
As I'm sat writing I have literally just sold the Morris, its been gone less than 10 minutes and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm glad to have the money but I said that I would never sell it and I'm feeling a little gutted that its now gone. I have however been offered the oppertunity to buy a Morris Pickup from someone I know online and whilst its not exactly what I want its certainly a tempting concept.
In other news, at work I had my first meeting with my career mentor (all organised through the pride group at work) and she came up with some really positive suggestions for me and things to look at. I forsee it being a very useful relationship to have....
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Another week down
Diet is going OK, Not helped by the folks taking us all to a fish and chips restuarant on Thursday night, but hey. Still lost this week. Down to 93.4kg and I cant be arsed to work out what that is in old money
The car has been an absolute nightmare this week and I've almost had to do more work to it in the last few days as bits have fallen off than I've done in the whole of the last 5 years.
I spent the whole of Wednesday prepping it for the MOT - which it passed with a little bit of fiddling with the headlights. However, on getting it home part of the rear wood section collapsed with rot. During the process of fixing it the rear doors broke and needed replacement then the car wasn't running properly.
The list goes on and on, lets see what it does when I try and sell it...
The car has been an absolute nightmare this week and I've almost had to do more work to it in the last few days as bits have fallen off than I've done in the whole of the last 5 years.
I spent the whole of Wednesday prepping it for the MOT - which it passed with a little bit of fiddling with the headlights. However, on getting it home part of the rear wood section collapsed with rot. During the process of fixing it the rear doors broke and needed replacement then the car wasn't running properly.
The list goes on and on, lets see what it does when I try and sell it...
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Motoring on.
Just to get the obligatory bit out of the way. Down to 94.0kg (14st 11) so hardly a great loss - but its a loss all the same so thats good!
To be frank, the last week has been pretty much a non-event. I've spent most of it at work doing shedloads of overtime. I've been downright skinted and had to borrow some cash off my old man.
The reason for the loan? The Cat! The silly little sod has done something to his noggin, so £40 down and i have some cream to rub on his head and he's turned into a lampshade head. I've been trying to sell all the stuff I have at home that I never use and I've managed to sell a gearbox to a friend for £40 so I have enough cash to get through to payday on Thursday.
The big news though... Someone came to look at the Morris Today and they actually want to buy it! So that'll be a nice £1500 when it passes the MOT. So, this has got me thinking about what I want to get to replace it. Its got to be capable of everyday use and the trek between Southampton and Brighton, less than £1000 and be "interesting". The current thinking is another Minor an early Minor 1000 saloon. But these have been thought about too:
Sierra Xr4x4. Well within budget, fast, comfortable but likely to be bloody expensive to insure and a pain in the arse to fix
Mini. Unlikely to be able to get a decent one within budget
Triumph Vitesse - bit boring and dont know a great deal about them
Triumph Spitfire - too expensive for a good un
Beetle - just no......
Any other thoughts??
To be frank, the last week has been pretty much a non-event. I've spent most of it at work doing shedloads of overtime. I've been downright skinted and had to borrow some cash off my old man.
The reason for the loan? The Cat! The silly little sod has done something to his noggin, so £40 down and i have some cream to rub on his head and he's turned into a lampshade head. I've been trying to sell all the stuff I have at home that I never use and I've managed to sell a gearbox to a friend for £40 so I have enough cash to get through to payday on Thursday.
The big news though... Someone came to look at the Morris Today and they actually want to buy it! So that'll be a nice £1500 when it passes the MOT. So, this has got me thinking about what I want to get to replace it. Its got to be capable of everyday use and the trek between Southampton and Brighton, less than £1000 and be "interesting". The current thinking is another Minor an early Minor 1000 saloon. But these have been thought about too:
Sierra Xr4x4. Well within budget, fast, comfortable but likely to be bloody expensive to insure and a pain in the arse to fix
Mini. Unlikely to be able to get a decent one within budget
Triumph Vitesse - bit boring and dont know a great deal about them
Triumph Spitfire - too expensive for a good un
Beetle - just no......
Any other thoughts??
Sunday, 19 September 2010
God, I've been pretty awful!
Well,
it seems I've been pretty piss poor at posting of late! I guess life overtook me somewhat. Oh well never mind!
So, as I write this todays weight measurent is 94.4kg! (thats 14st 12 in old money) meaning I have lost 11.5kg (25lbs) which Im quite chuffed with. Cant say that I can really see the difference but some of the peeps around me are commenting so I guess thats a good thing!
So, I guess the big news is that I've changed shifts at work now and the simple act of working 4 long days has meant that my working (and commuting) week has been cut by over 13 hours!! I'm also staying with my lovely friend Tree at the moment 2 nights a week which helps hugely.
Well, anyway I've been feeling pretty down of late about the trans thing. Nothing specific or quantifyable but more that I really cant be bothered to put loads of effort into it when a) I shouldn't have to in the first place and b) I just end up looking crap anyway! I'm certainly not spending any money on anything girly over the next few months and not till I get a place of my own when I can actually be me rather than having to pretend.
Meh, fuckit.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Indecent proposal
Well, first things first its been another loss this week. Down to 97.8kg now (meaing I've lost 8kg (17.5lbs) over 8 weeks! Well chuffed with that =)
The interview for the job went OK I suppose and I expect to hear on Monday (very much prepared for a negative response though!)
The real gossip this week though is that I have set up a profile on adultwork.com for chat/webcam/SMS work to try and get a little bit more cash coming in. Its all a bit of a giggle really =o)
The interview for the job went OK I suppose and I expect to hear on Monday (very much prepared for a negative response though!)
The real gossip this week though is that I have set up a profile on adultwork.com for chat/webcam/SMS work to try and get a little bit more cash coming in. Its all a bit of a giggle really =o)
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
Monday, 16 August 2010
Nicked from Jess2Impress
Well, a little poem from Jess that I have nicked and slightly modified;
I'm a little T Girl proud and out,
Here is my handbag and here is my pout
When you trip me over, my tits fall out,
I put them back in and sort myself out
I'm a little T Girl proud and out,
Here is my handbag and here is my pout
When you trip me over, my tits fall out,
I put them back in and sort myself out
Sunday, 15 August 2010
A fortnight? Really?
Gah, I wrote a huge long thing and blogger deleted it! ARRRRGGGHHHH!
Well, its been a busy old fortnight, with many occurances.
Thursday 5th August - To celebrate Pride at work we had a theme day on my floor. My team was designated as being "Treasure Island" so of course I decided to play up to it a little and turned up as a pirate wench!
That day, I also had an appointment with Occupational Health to discuss my exhaustion and lethargy at work and it was a total and utter waste of time! The OH woman claimed that she had read my file and knew what was going on but on discussion she simply said to me "You have a choice, either move or get a new job in Southampton" NEITHER of which are an option at the moment - on pointing this out she replied with "Well, cant you borrow some money from your parents" - considering I was speaking to Occ health earlier in the year about the situation with my folks and the amount of money I owe them I very nearly hit the roof! To top it off, when they sent their report to my manager they reccomended 6 hours off a week for a fortnight - we agreed a WHOLE day off (7 hours) - the 6 hour thing is totally and utterly pointless!
Sorry, mini rant there, back on Subject.......
Since the theme day at work there have been a few comments from people at work who found my "dressing up" funny, this made me feel somewhat uncomfortable and although I know that no malice was meant and the comments were born out of misunderstanding I felt that something needed to be done. What I did was the following, a nice group email to everyone in the team:
Since then, I've had a number of apologies and very supportive comments - possibly the BEST thing I have ever done at work!
Moving on to the Pride weekend itself, I was lucky enough to be able to stay with my good friend Tree and a few other reprobates that showed up. I had a great time wandering round the park and dancing away on the American Express float during the parade....
I took a dress down approach for pride, opting for comfort for the day rather than being a peacock, think my outfit turned out OK
Anyhooo life has been fairly straightforward since then, however I have found THE job I've wanted since joining Amex listed and I've got an interview for it on Tuesday. I'm very nervous about it and dont expect to get it (nothing good ever happens to me......) but I'm going to give it my best shot and try not to be dissapointed if it all goes wrong!
Having hopped on the scales this morning I couldn't quite believe my eyes - I thought the scales were reading wrong. 98.9kg (15st 8lb) - 1.5kg (3 1/3lbs) loss in the last week! I am now the least fat I have been within my adult life - from memory (wooooooooooooooooo!)
Well, its been a busy old fortnight, with many occurances.
Thursday 5th August - To celebrate Pride at work we had a theme day on my floor. My team was designated as being "Treasure Island" so of course I decided to play up to it a little and turned up as a pirate wench!
That day, I also had an appointment with Occupational Health to discuss my exhaustion and lethargy at work and it was a total and utter waste of time! The OH woman claimed that she had read my file and knew what was going on but on discussion she simply said to me "You have a choice, either move or get a new job in Southampton" NEITHER of which are an option at the moment - on pointing this out she replied with "Well, cant you borrow some money from your parents" - considering I was speaking to Occ health earlier in the year about the situation with my folks and the amount of money I owe them I very nearly hit the roof! To top it off, when they sent their report to my manager they reccomended 6 hours off a week for a fortnight - we agreed a WHOLE day off (7 hours) - the 6 hour thing is totally and utterly pointless!
Sorry, mini rant there, back on Subject.......
Since the theme day at work there have been a few comments from people at work who found my "dressing up" funny, this made me feel somewhat uncomfortable and although I know that no malice was meant and the comments were born out of misunderstanding I felt that something needed to be done. What I did was the following, a nice group email to everyone in the team:
Hi Guys,
I would be grateful if you would please not discuss this with people outside of this team for the moment, and also allow those within the team to read this before any discussion.
After a few comments that I've received (nothing that I have deemed to be malicious, and I have no intention of naming names) I felt it necessary to write to the team as whole to clarify my situation, as I do not believe that everyone understands the same thing. I feel that I make a mistake on Thursdays theme day and that by attending in the manner that I did, I have inadvertently trivialised my situation. I am currently undergoing a great deal of turmoil regarding my gender identity alongside a number of other stresses in my life.
Whilst I live and attend work in a male guise, I do not feel that is me and at some point (timescale unknown) I have the intention of moving forwards to living full time as Female. I am sure you will all understand that this is a very difficult thing to deal with and I would appreciate your understanding and not attempting to make light of it. I would also ask that you please take a moment to think before making any comment. Should anyone have any questions I am perfectly happy to answer them (within reason), either face to face or by email.
Thank you
Since then, I've had a number of apologies and very supportive comments - possibly the BEST thing I have ever done at work!
Moving on to the Pride weekend itself, I was lucky enough to be able to stay with my good friend Tree and a few other reprobates that showed up. I had a great time wandering round the park and dancing away on the American Express float during the parade....
I took a dress down approach for pride, opting for comfort for the day rather than being a peacock, think my outfit turned out OK
Anyhooo life has been fairly straightforward since then, however I have found THE job I've wanted since joining Amex listed and I've got an interview for it on Tuesday. I'm very nervous about it and dont expect to get it (nothing good ever happens to me......) but I'm going to give it my best shot and try not to be dissapointed if it all goes wrong!
Having hopped on the scales this morning I couldn't quite believe my eyes - I thought the scales were reading wrong. 98.9kg (15st 8lb) - 1.5kg (3 1/3lbs) loss in the last week! I am now the least fat I have been within my adult life - from memory (wooooooooooooooooo!)
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Another week, another dollar
Well, pound actually. I'm now down to 15st 12lb (101.0kg) which is quite nice. Only a small loss this week but a loss is a loss!
I'm not sure there is a great deal to report otherwise
I'm not sure there is a great deal to report otherwise
Saturday, 24 July 2010
No Scales shots this time
Well, its been a fortnight since my last post (this must be some kind of record hahahha)
I've had to forgo the normal Sunday weigh in as I wont be near a scale on Sunday morning so did it today.
I've gone down into the 15 stones! Wahoooooooo! Now 15st 13 and getting closer to being a skinny minny!
In other news, I spent the whole of last weekend (well, Sat eve, sun, mon, tues) being me and I had a fabulous time just chilling out and relaxing.
I'm now heading off to a roller disco in Hertfordshire. Wish me luck....
one of the best pics from the weekend
I've had to forgo the normal Sunday weigh in as I wont be near a scale on Sunday morning so did it today.
I've gone down into the 15 stones! Wahoooooooo! Now 15st 13 and getting closer to being a skinny minny!
In other news, I spent the whole of last weekend (well, Sat eve, sun, mon, tues) being me and I had a fabulous time just chilling out and relaxing.
I'm now heading off to a roller disco in Hertfordshire. Wish me luck....
one of the best pics from the weekend
Sunday, 11 July 2010
Just for the benefit of bexbag
Just because Bexbag insisted. I seem to have lost 0.1kg in the last 3 hours. Ignore the bad composition and dodgy feets....
Its been that long!?
Cripes, I didn't realise just how long it had been since I last put some scribblings on here. I really am crap aren't I?
Anyhoo, the big news;
I am on a diet. I'm trying to lose weight with weight watchers and according to them I am allowed to scoff 30 "points" a day. It seems to be fairly straightforward to keep up with it. Although I did crack a little today and scoffed a KFC (2 Piece Variety Meal, 17 points) so a bit less supper for me!
The really tricky bit is when I am at home and mum is cooking - although she understands that I am trying to do this and does her best to help its hard to keep control and plan when someone else is doing the catering. 1 week down and I've gone from a lardy 105.8kg to a skinny 105.1kg (lol) or 16st 9lb to approx 16st 7.5lb it'll do for now anyway. BMI was 30.6 and now 30.4 so a small improvement but still in the "obese" category. Boo Hiss!
And now for some guff.
I've not had a great deal of opportunity of late to be Danni of late which I have struggled with, being unable to offer any expression of my girly side. Its probably been 6 weeks at a guess, with the London Picnic being the last time. Last night however I went to a gathering at my lovely friend Tree's house and met a number of Chixers (some old friends, some totally new to me) and it was absolutly lovely to be me for once.
Although *I* have not been able to be Danni I've still been in the community and trying to help other transfolk. I'm really pleased that I managed to help Susie Gray with her deed poll. Susie does not have a great deal of spare cash and would not have been able to pay for it herself for months or even years. Its been my great pleasure to help her with this, and the timing is significant - she is shortly to attend her first appointment at Charing Cross and its so much better to have some things in place before dealing with CX.
Anyway, lets see how long it takes me to blog next time!
Anyhoo, the big news;
I am on a diet. I'm trying to lose weight with weight watchers and according to them I am allowed to scoff 30 "points" a day. It seems to be fairly straightforward to keep up with it. Although I did crack a little today and scoffed a KFC (2 Piece Variety Meal, 17 points) so a bit less supper for me!
The really tricky bit is when I am at home and mum is cooking - although she understands that I am trying to do this and does her best to help its hard to keep control and plan when someone else is doing the catering. 1 week down and I've gone from a lardy 105.8kg to a skinny 105.1kg (lol) or 16st 9lb to approx 16st 7.5lb it'll do for now anyway. BMI was 30.6 and now 30.4 so a small improvement but still in the "obese" category. Boo Hiss!
And now for some guff.
I've not had a great deal of opportunity of late to be Danni of late which I have struggled with, being unable to offer any expression of my girly side. Its probably been 6 weeks at a guess, with the London Picnic being the last time. Last night however I went to a gathering at my lovely friend Tree's house and met a number of Chixers (some old friends, some totally new to me) and it was absolutly lovely to be me for once.
Although *I* have not been able to be Danni I've still been in the community and trying to help other transfolk. I'm really pleased that I managed to help Susie Gray with her deed poll. Susie does not have a great deal of spare cash and would not have been able to pay for it herself for months or even years. Its been my great pleasure to help her with this, and the timing is significant - she is shortly to attend her first appointment at Charing Cross and its so much better to have some things in place before dealing with CX.
Anyway, lets see how long it takes me to blog next time!
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Saturday, 15 May 2010
Lasers
Hmm,
I really am being rubbish at posting here aren't I? Oh well better to be disorganised, scatty and fun than an organisation Nazi I suppose.
Theres been no great shakes since my last post, but I am feeling a little better in myself. Uni is now completed (as of Wednesday) it feels really weird being out of education for the first time in 2 decades but its superb - means I have more time for me and to get out there and do the things I want to do.
Now, as a post uni pat on the back to myself, I have made a small investment - a home IPL machine! Sadly its second hand, but has apparently seen very minimal use (used once...) but for the sake of £40 it has to be worth a punt?
As much as I want to jump straight in and start zapping the hairs on my face, I dont think thats the sensible way forward - after all, I'm not sure how well this is going to work and I dont want to risk a disfigured mug. I'd rather let the professionals deal with that (after all, other body parts can be covered up without a burka!)
I'm not looking forwards to tomorrow, as I have to do the great garage clearout and remove a years worth of clutter, clothes, furniture and car bits - then I have to find somewhere for it all to go!!! At this point its going to be nessecary to cull a lot of my clothes that I keep there (not a purge, but a downsize) as space to keep them will be very limited.
Ho hum, lets see what happens!
I really am being rubbish at posting here aren't I? Oh well better to be disorganised, scatty and fun than an organisation Nazi I suppose.
Theres been no great shakes since my last post, but I am feeling a little better in myself. Uni is now completed (as of Wednesday) it feels really weird being out of education for the first time in 2 decades but its superb - means I have more time for me and to get out there and do the things I want to do.
Now, as a post uni pat on the back to myself, I have made a small investment - a home IPL machine! Sadly its second hand, but has apparently seen very minimal use (used once...) but for the sake of £40 it has to be worth a punt?
As much as I want to jump straight in and start zapping the hairs on my face, I dont think thats the sensible way forward - after all, I'm not sure how well this is going to work and I dont want to risk a disfigured mug. I'd rather let the professionals deal with that (after all, other body parts can be covered up without a burka!)
I'm not looking forwards to tomorrow, as I have to do the great garage clearout and remove a years worth of clutter, clothes, furniture and car bits - then I have to find somewhere for it all to go!!! At this point its going to be nessecary to cull a lot of my clothes that I keep there (not a purge, but a downsize) as space to keep them will be very limited.
Ho hum, lets see what happens!
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Progress Slow
Seems I am being truly crap at posting to this blog - perhaps I should set myself a rule that I should post something every sunday? Might help me be a bit more disciplined!
Theres been nil progress since my last post - the local surgery refused to register me so I am currently GP less which is a pain in the bottom. They will however agree to see me if theres an emergency - which is a relief.
Over the last week or so my mind has pretty much been dominated by the trans thing and I've been feeling pretty low about it all - not least the realisation that living on my own is at least 12 months away - thats was a complete sucker punch! To try and speed things along a bit I've put my beloved Morris Minor (which I spent 4 years returning to the road) for sale - I hope it doesn't sell to be honest but if it does then thats a little more money for the kitty...
Ho hum.....
Theres been nil progress since my last post - the local surgery refused to register me so I am currently GP less which is a pain in the bottom. They will however agree to see me if theres an emergency - which is a relief.
Over the last week or so my mind has pretty much been dominated by the trans thing and I've been feeling pretty low about it all - not least the realisation that living on my own is at least 12 months away - thats was a complete sucker punch! To try and speed things along a bit I've put my beloved Morris Minor (which I spent 4 years returning to the road) for sale - I hope it doesn't sell to be honest but if it does then thats a little more money for the kitty...
Ho hum.....
Friday, 2 April 2010
Well, here we are then!
Its taken a long time for me to be true to myself, to realise who I actually am and emerge from the mask of terminology and identity that I have hidden behind up until now. The purpose of this blog is for me to record my thoughts and feelings as I make my transition from male to female. Although I've made it open for all to see and comment on, its largely for my benefit so that I can look back and see the progress that I have made.
At the start of this process I'm spending nearly all of my time as Dan; an overweight mid 20s bloke. Come the end of this I'm hoping to be Danni a late 20s, slim, attractive, lady.
I'd like to think that I am able to portray a somewhat convincing feminine image already, although I am far from polished & perfect. I feel that I have a LOT of work to do before I will "pass" to the majority of people.
In the very short term my first mission is to actually get to the doctors to discuss it all and get to see a specialist Gender Counsellor and (hopefully) get on hormones - although that may well take a little bit longer.
I've been meaning to get this going for a few days, but can't sleep so out comes the laptop and away we go.
Wish me Luck
Danni xx
At the start of this process I'm spending nearly all of my time as Dan; an overweight mid 20s bloke. Come the end of this I'm hoping to be Danni a late 20s, slim, attractive, lady.
I'd like to think that I am able to portray a somewhat convincing feminine image already, although I am far from polished & perfect. I feel that I have a LOT of work to do before I will "pass" to the majority of people.
In the very short term my first mission is to actually get to the doctors to discuss it all and get to see a specialist Gender Counsellor and (hopefully) get on hormones - although that may well take a little bit longer.
I've been meaning to get this going for a few days, but can't sleep so out comes the laptop and away we go.
Wish me Luck
Danni xx
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