Well, I cant remember why I was fed up last week but I still am.
I've lost weight this week, down to 83.8kg still a little bit to do to get back to my best result so far (83.5kg) but I should be able to do that this week, then I just have to keep going till the belly is gone.
I found yesterday really hard, having spent most of Friday "at work" i.e chilling out at Tree's place just being me. If I'd have said that's what I was doing to the folks I would have got a lecture about how stupid I'm being so had to lie. So having spend time as Danni, it was a massive wrench to come back into the male work in the office on Saturday.
What really hit me like a ton of bricks is the facial hair. £1,190 for a course of 8 treatments of laser, which should do the job, but that is an absolutely unheard of sum of money for me and I'm really struggling. The two big obstacles to me are living with the parents and the face fuzz (Its just plain impractical to shave thrice daily - which I would need to do - and wouldn't be able to do it in the office) Steps are potentially afoot which will allow me to escape the folks, but not going to hold mry breath as if anyone's going to fuck things up its me.
To top yesterday off, I was driving home just starting to well up, and the car broke down. Fortunately the RAC fixed it at the roadside - only a broken clutch cable, but enough to stop me in my tracks next to a busy dual carriageway.
Getting home I logged on to one of the forums I frequent to find that I'd been treated to a whole batch of transphobic bullying, which really did send me to tears. Fortunately all that crap has now been removed and the instigator appears to be banned.
I'm unhappy, I'm Skint and feel like I'm going nowhere again. Just bloody wonderful.
Sunday 17 April 2011
Sunday 10 April 2011
Sunday 3 April 2011
gah
Nothing to really add since yesterday. +1.1kg on the weight front, but 2 nights of booze & takeaway was always going to do that.
Still on a downer. Just wish I was a normal girl and didn't have all this bloody issues.
Night.
Still on a downer. Just wish I was a normal girl and didn't have all this bloody issues.
Night.
Saturday 2 April 2011
Feeling Shite
I really shouldn't do, but I feel like utter crap.
I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.
It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.
Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.
I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.
Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.
I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.
It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.
Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.
I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.
Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.
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