Well, I think that I should have some witty social commentary to add in here but meh, fuck it. Nothing to comment on.
Weight loss is going OK down to 88.4kg now so getting there slowly.
I'm feeling pretty fed up about things at the moment and have been considering going down the self med route, I know its risky but it keeps popping up it head in my mind and I'm not quite sure what to do. Past experience dictates that I'm going to have one heck of a game registering with a quack.
Things feel pretty sucky for me at the moment and I'm at a low ebb, probabally not too far from where I was about this time last year when things really went wrong. Work sucks its all stress for little reward at the moment and theres so much bullshit being spouted with the change in comission. Our individual commission is now decided by what the person we speak to thinks of the company as a whole - not suprisingly the last 4 call reviews have gone against me (despite 3 being very good!) what kind of crazy world is it where "very good" is deemed to be derogatory??
In time honoured fashion, fuck it
Sunday 28 November 2010
Monday 15 November 2010
FUCK IT
FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT! FUCK IT!
Well, to say that I am snarfed off with myself is a teensy bit of an understandment. I am such a fucking moron. Im stupid because I allowed myself to get all excited over this stupid flat without actually doing the mature thing and looking at the maths too. I cant fucking afford it! I cant afford to move anywhere it seems.
How in hell can I not afford to even live anywhere!? Its not even like I'm on a minimum wage
I feel so amazingly angry with myself for getting excited, so frustrated that I seem to be getting nowhere and I feel even worse about me.
I guess I was looking forwards to actually getting out and getting going to to speak, to actually have the freedom to be me. I feel so dissasociated from my physical presence at the moment its untrue and its driving me nuts. I guess that my negative feelings towards myself in general have given the trans stuff a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll rev down again in a bit. Maybe not.
In the meantime. FUCK IT!
Well, to say that I am snarfed off with myself is a teensy bit of an understandment. I am such a fucking moron. Im stupid because I allowed myself to get all excited over this stupid flat without actually doing the mature thing and looking at the maths too. I cant fucking afford it! I cant afford to move anywhere it seems.
How in hell can I not afford to even live anywhere!? Its not even like I'm on a minimum wage
I feel so amazingly angry with myself for getting excited, so frustrated that I seem to be getting nowhere and I feel even worse about me.
I guess I was looking forwards to actually getting out and getting going to to speak, to actually have the freedom to be me. I feel so dissasociated from my physical presence at the moment its untrue and its driving me nuts. I guess that my negative feelings towards myself in general have given the trans stuff a kick up the arse. Maybe it'll rev down again in a bit. Maybe not.
In the meantime. FUCK IT!
Sunday 14 November 2010
Bit lax
Has it really been over a month since I last posted anything?? Wow!
I guess its because I've been feeling a bit down about things again of late. I didn't end up buying the pickup that I mentioned in my previous post. I wound up buying a different car on the 13th. "Agatha" a 1968 Morris Minor 2 door in Maroon, absolutly rock solid and very tidy looking - but a little reluctant to start (but thats not too much of an issue, everything else is pretty damned good and mechanicals can be fixed easily) I am only the third owner - the previous lady owned it for the last 32 years!
As for me, I've been pretty down on the trans thing of late and everything girly that I own is currently stashed away in the bottom of my wardrobe. I did say that its not coming out again until I have my own place (more on that later) but I have made an exception for the works LGBT group (Pride Network) party, which I am really looking forwards to! The theme is "Glitz and Glamour" and I'm a little worried about that as I am simply not a glam person! I have nothing, and no idea what, to wear!
I guess another reason for feeling naffed off with everything at the moment is the diet, its not really been going well at all. This morning though I have actually got to a net loss in the first time in yonks, I've beaten the 90kg mark now (14st 2 at the mo) so feeling a little more positive about it all again.
Anyway, the big news - on Wednesday I was offered a flat to rent by a colleague who is moving in with his other half. Its a very large studio, recently decorated with all its own facilities and we've agreed a mates rates type deal. I can move in anytime between Jan and March so I am now working damned hard to get the cash to pay off my folks before march (£1500 required) so I'm planning on getting in some overtime at work and getting a whole load of DVDs and other odds and sods onto ebay (dual purpose - I wont have to move everything with me...)
So with any luck I will be moving out of the parents place (AT LAST!!!!) into my own little place in the middle of Hove (bliss)
Anyway lets see how this week pans out...
I guess its because I've been feeling a bit down about things again of late. I didn't end up buying the pickup that I mentioned in my previous post. I wound up buying a different car on the 13th. "Agatha" a 1968 Morris Minor 2 door in Maroon, absolutly rock solid and very tidy looking - but a little reluctant to start (but thats not too much of an issue, everything else is pretty damned good and mechanicals can be fixed easily) I am only the third owner - the previous lady owned it for the last 32 years!
As for me, I've been pretty down on the trans thing of late and everything girly that I own is currently stashed away in the bottom of my wardrobe. I did say that its not coming out again until I have my own place (more on that later) but I have made an exception for the works LGBT group (Pride Network) party, which I am really looking forwards to! The theme is "Glitz and Glamour" and I'm a little worried about that as I am simply not a glam person! I have nothing, and no idea what, to wear!
I guess another reason for feeling naffed off with everything at the moment is the diet, its not really been going well at all. This morning though I have actually got to a net loss in the first time in yonks, I've beaten the 90kg mark now (14st 2 at the mo) so feeling a little more positive about it all again.
Anyway, the big news - on Wednesday I was offered a flat to rent by a colleague who is moving in with his other half. Its a very large studio, recently decorated with all its own facilities and we've agreed a mates rates type deal. I can move in anytime between Jan and March so I am now working damned hard to get the cash to pay off my folks before march (£1500 required) so I'm planning on getting in some overtime at work and getting a whole load of DVDs and other odds and sods onto ebay (dual purpose - I wont have to move everything with me...)
So with any luck I will be moving out of the parents place (AT LAST!!!!) into my own little place in the middle of Hove (bliss)
Anyway lets see how this week pans out...
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