Feeling Shite

I really shouldn't do, but I feel like utter crap.

I've just had two fantastic nights out, one with the LBGT group at work and my managers leaving do for work - of course, I was just being me those nights and not having to pretend to be a bloke. It was fantastic to let my hair down and have a little fun. Well, not literally letting my hair down - its far to short for that yet BUT I didn't go with a wig and I managed to get a girly style out of my own natural locks.

It was such a release to actually get out and show my colleagues the real me - they've only t ever experienced pirate wench in a fancy dress thing before - Everyone who needs to know knows but there was a few there who have never been told, and apart from using my male name (fair enough, not been instructed otherwise) all really positive.

Thing is, I guess this has been building and its just been triggered by my brother bursting into my room whilst I was getting dressed from the shower and ranting about something very insignificant. I felt fairly positive earlier, now all I want to do is cry and just up and leave the house but I have nowhere I can go - so, Im stuck here.

I hate living in the family home, I hate living a lie just appease my ignorant parents. My mother in paticular seems to be really quizzing me at the moment and drawing negative conclusions whatever I say. All I want is somewhere to live that I can be free to be me and a job that actually pays the bills and leaves me a little left over. I cant afford to move because I can hardly afford to maintain my current lifestlye at the moment - if petrol goes up to £1.35 a litre I'm simply not going to be able to afford to go to work - then I will truly be buggered.

Maybe I should just go and live in a tent on the South Downs or camp out in the back of my car? Seems pretty preferable to carrying on here right now.